So this is literally just because I want to get this out, but can't find it in myself to say it to an actual person, cause that would be with bad judgment.
You know that show I auditioned for at the very beginning of the year? Yeah let's just say it was Cabaret (it definitely was not Cabaret, I'm just saying that cause I don't really know who's reading this - no one hah - but I still have that weird feeling where I don't rest well with telling people my auditioning business). We're gonna pretend it was Cabaret, just for these purposes.
Okay I'm interning at the theatre, I don't know if I mentioned that. But I am, and we get lots of things attached to it, like tickets to opening night of the new mainstage show last night. And all of us went and it was a fun time and it was a total blast. Cabaret opens while our internship is still going on, and we really most likely will be invited to opening night again, and, if not, another show of it for sure. There's this (pretty big) part of me that wishes I was in Cabaret... I know that I would probably physically crumble under the schedule of doing camps all day (that's my internship) - which is almost too much for me all on its own - and THEN going to hours of rehearsal afterwards. Though I would have a couple of hours in between to recharge. Anyways, you know me, I would never complain about that. I would mentally be over the moon, high on theatre, but sometimes mentality isn't enough, physicality has to agree. I don't think it was a mistake that I didn't get Cabaret, but I really still wish I did get it. I just can't stop thinking about how incredible it would be to be on stage the next time the interns go to see opening night. I'd come out of stage door and they'd swamp me (let me dream, okay? though that's really realistic, I don't think they wouldn't) and I would be up on stage knowing that - ok this makes me sound awful - that I'm just a little more accomplished than them. Okay I'm the worst. But I'm being honest. And I want to stick with honestly, cause I don't want to deny my wishes. I would just absolutely love if I was in Cabaret.
ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT so many people that I know and love are working on it. Like one prominent staff member, whom all the interns adore but are afraid of... how cool would it be to be in a show with her and have that much more of a connection with her than the other interns? Well, I would say that I'm closest to her than any other intern because I was here last summer as a counselor and we kinda bonded then. So, like, she's known me.
I think that I just want the other interns to respect me. I think that's what it is. Not that they don't respect me, they totally do, but I mean respect in the way that, like... ugh I'll just say it, I want to be better than them. That's me. I always want to be better, it's a competition always. But only sometimes. What am I saying. Some things I just want to be the best at. I'm competitive. I guess that's what I mean.
