What I've noticed is that sometimes I kind of intensely dislike people for seemingly no reason at all. I mean, I'm not rude or anything to them, I just don't really interact with them because something inside of me is not enthusiastic about spending any more time than I have to in their presence.
Wow that sounds bad.
Okay it's not that intense.
But, come on, you CANNOT lie, there are always occasionally people you just don't really like. There's gotta be. Their mannerisms just make you itch.
But I've also noticed that, many times, these people end up falling onto my path and we end up being friends. It's really strange. Lots of times I think, "...I don't have a good feeling about this person. We're probably going to have to be friends sometime in the near future."
And then something will happen, we'll be put in the same group together or a mutual friend will introduce us, and then it just... we're friends. And usually the better of friends.
Maybe it's just that I'm initially opposed to people who remind me of me.
Or maybe that's a completely different train of thought. Either way, it is true, I think that when someone reminds me of myself, I inevitably resist.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Thursday, February 25, 2016
What Am I Doing
Honestly, ever since this past weekend, I just haven't really been up to it.
For the last month or so, in preparation for my callbacks, I would go to the gym every day, count every calorie, practice tap every day (all the way across campus in the Rec center), and practice singing every day in the music building, even though it terrified me because I'm still not confident with my voice.
But now that there's nothing really to work towards, I'm... just really not up for it.
I guess I'm propelled by "the next thing", you know, what I'm working towards next. And I don't know what that is right now. I should follow my own advice and realize that a work in progress is also a destination (as long as you keep working), but it's kind of hard to really lock in.
It's not that I'm letting myself loose, it's just that I had been holding myself so tight up until the callbacks, really, I worked so hard, and now it's just... more normal, I guess.
I need a reason to get back into doing things hardcore, but it's just not here right now. Because all of that hard work was geared towards those callbacks, and I need to learn what it means to work hard for things in general so that I'll be ready for whatever shows up.
But that's all. That's just what's going on, and I kind of wanted to shout it out.
For the last month or so, in preparation for my callbacks, I would go to the gym every day, count every calorie, practice tap every day (all the way across campus in the Rec center), and practice singing every day in the music building, even though it terrified me because I'm still not confident with my voice.
But now that there's nothing really to work towards, I'm... just really not up for it.
I guess I'm propelled by "the next thing", you know, what I'm working towards next. And I don't know what that is right now. I should follow my own advice and realize that a work in progress is also a destination (as long as you keep working), but it's kind of hard to really lock in.
It's not that I'm letting myself loose, it's just that I had been holding myself so tight up until the callbacks, really, I worked so hard, and now it's just... more normal, I guess.
I need a reason to get back into doing things hardcore, but it's just not here right now. Because all of that hard work was geared towards those callbacks, and I need to learn what it means to work hard for things in general so that I'll be ready for whatever shows up.
But that's all. That's just what's going on, and I kind of wanted to shout it out.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Drowning
Y'all, I have a stat exam coming up in a couple of hours. And I'm not even really thinking about it (I'm about to do some final studying) but man....
I'm working on stuff for my internship and it's just ahhh drowning in phone numbers and spreadsheets and it's not hard work, just a LOT OF PEOPLE TO CALL. I'm making reservations for children's shows (I'm an intern for a children's theatre company) and it's just so much calling schools, putting together prices for them and entering their reservations.
It's not hard.
It's just that I'm supposed to be an advertising intern and this is a lot more of general work, but I guess it's okay, because I'm getting experience SOMEWHERE. It's just that it's not really my area of interest, and I'm kinda like drownninggggggg in this sea of numbers I'm supposed to call.
I'm working on stuff for my internship and it's just ahhh drowning in phone numbers and spreadsheets and it's not hard work, just a LOT OF PEOPLE TO CALL. I'm making reservations for children's shows (I'm an intern for a children's theatre company) and it's just so much calling schools, putting together prices for them and entering their reservations.
It's not hard.
It's just that I'm supposed to be an advertising intern and this is a lot more of general work, but I guess it's okay, because I'm getting experience SOMEWHERE. It's just that it's not really my area of interest, and I'm kinda like drownninggggggg in this sea of numbers I'm supposed to call.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Missed the Point
Y'all, I'm dumb.
I've thought a lot of things as this night has progressed, but I'm lowkey disappointed that I haven't thought this yet: it's okay... because this isn't something that God wanted to happen. This ENTIRE time I've been praying, "God, if you want this, take it, let me get it, and, if not, that's okay, I'll be okay, it's not mine anyways." It was never mine to begin with. God didn't make it happen, so He didn't want it. He's got something else planned. Whatever that is, it's probably not as big and probably not as grand (at least, in my eyes) but it's something He has planned, and that's cool. That's the best, actually.
But the point is, I need to not be feeling bad about not getting it. GOD DIDN'T WANT IT. THAT'S OKAY. That has been the agreement from day one. sO iT's aLL gOoD, iT's aLL GoD.
I've thought a lot of things as this night has progressed, but I'm lowkey disappointed that I haven't thought this yet: it's okay... because this isn't something that God wanted to happen. This ENTIRE time I've been praying, "God, if you want this, take it, let me get it, and, if not, that's okay, I'll be okay, it's not mine anyways." It was never mine to begin with. God didn't make it happen, so He didn't want it. He's got something else planned. Whatever that is, it's probably not as big and probably not as grand (at least, in my eyes) but it's something He has planned, and that's cool. That's the best, actually.
But the point is, I need to not be feeling bad about not getting it. GOD DIDN'T WANT IT. THAT'S OKAY. That has been the agreement from day one. sO iT's aLL gOoD, iT's aLL GoD.
The End
This is probably going to be long.
So that dance call was today. I took a couple of dance classes early in the day (one in which I was the only one who actually could pick up the choreo, mostly because everyone was beginner, and one in which I totally bombed it cause everyone else was so good) to get myself warmed up and used to dancing with strangers and picking up choreography quickly with a group.
The dance call was supposed to start at 4:30pm, and I got there at 4:00pm, and there were some people outside, so I kinda somehow assumed that they were just chillin and the doors hadn't been opened yet. Yeah I was real wrong, cause the building was, like, packed with people and the people outside were only there because they didn't want to be inside. As soon as I realized this, I went inside and checked in and started stretching like everyone else. But the acting callbacks were going on inside, and they didn't get us dancers in until a little after 5:00pm.
There were, like, sixty to seventy people. Which was way more than I expected. I had guessed that there would be maybe about thirty, because at the callbacks, I was there for like twenty minutes and only saw about five other people. I don't know where everyone came from. Anyways, the choreographer taught us the dance in literally legit like five minutes and a lot of people (me included) were kind of freaking out because it was so MUCH. Then he had everyone stand at the side of the room and he called people up three at a time to do the dance in that group in front of everyone.
Whoa.
At the only other dance call I went to (where there were about thirty people), we spent much more time learning the dance, and we did it in groups of four or five.
So I was high key freaking out and I couldn't remember the dance, it was so fast, but I actually was really lucky that I got called in one of the last groups, and, by that time, just by watching everyone else, I had it down.
I did well. I didn't have to look to anyone for the next moves, I had the choreo down and maybe I was executing it in a fantastically perfect way, but I GOT THE MOVES which was way more than I thought I would be able to do. And I remembered to smile, I looked like I was having fun. At that point, I wasn't even nervous, I was actually kind of excited to be dancing in front of the choreographer with everyone to the side watching. Everyone watching was very supportive of everyone, so it was a good environment. Basically, I did the dance and hit the movements right and smiled big and that was my best. I don't think that, at this point with the skills I currently have, I was able to do better than I did.
For some groups, the choreographer asked the people to do pirouettes (or other things I guess they've noted on their resume) and he did this for maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the groups, but he didn't for mine.
Then, when everyone had danced, the choreographer and the director spoke privately before coming back with a list of people they wanted to see tap.
I kind of thought maybe I would be on the list, but I wasn't. So I didn't get this show.
Wow. There were just so many people that, for them to notice you, you had to be so good. The people who were chosen were either just very good, or I wasn't paying attention so I don't know how good they were, or they've been in shows at the theatre before. (Which I have, but not as prominently.) Basically, they got their tap shoes on and immediately started learning the next cut.
So wow. I'm feeling a lot of things. Honestly, this particular show isn't one of my favorites and I find it pretty boring, but I could get into it if I was cast in it, you know? The ensemble doesn't do much and it's not really high energy either (except for a couple of numbers, one of which has always held a very specific appeal to me) so it's not like I just lost my dream role.
I think it's just because of this theatre. I've auditioned for them once, and I got that show, and it was a little bit of a different situation, because I was in the youth ensemble. But I haven't ever been rejected by the theatre before, and I consider it home, and it just kind of almost hurts a little bit. Though, honestly, I have never really really thought I could truly be cast in this. Of course, I had my hopes, and I definitely wanted it, but it always seemed lost before I had a chance to pursue it.
I've worked very hard with this show in my mind. It's what finally pushed me to get voice lessons, take dance classes, and I go practice singing, I go work out, I practice tap every day because of it. And I didn't even get to tap for them. I have only told one friend about my auditioning, but every day I've been dreaming of how I would announce to everyone that I was going to be in this show.
Ever since the casting call came out, there has not been a day in which I have not thought about this show. I came up with a lot of things that I would do if I got cast in it. But I guess that all of these things, I can do with any show. I'll get one when it's right.
I have the rest of my life. I'm eighteen. I dream too big for my own good. But, you know, sometimes I get it. It's just that this time I didn't.
I'm proud of myself, though. I was the only freshman from my university out there tonight. And even though there was a handful of high schoolers, that doesn't matter, like, I'm the only freshman at my school who knew of this opportunity, took it, and got this far.
I'd say the average age of the people there tonight was about 24. I danced with the big fish, and I'm not even a big fish yet. Imagine what I'll be able to do when I am one!
I'll have to train. I've just realized how behind I am. But I can do this. I have to do this. Once I'm at a certain level, I'll be good, I think, basically.
But also, recently, I've been eating really healthy and working out almost every day, and I had this show in mind, because I would have to be really fit for it (and mostly for auditions, for now) but now that it's not even in the question anymore, I don't feel like I have the motivation anymore. But we'll see.
Okay, I think that's why I'm STILL feeling so down even after I admitted that I don't really care too much about not getting this particular SHOW. I think it's because it's basically been my motivation for the bulk of what I've been doing. And now that it's gone, I don't know where my motivation is anymore. But I'll have to find it, because I can't afford to stop.
Losing this show has spun my entire perspective. But I'll be piecing it back together. I'll just do the things I need to do, and someday.... someday it'll all come full circle.
So that dance call was today. I took a couple of dance classes early in the day (one in which I was the only one who actually could pick up the choreo, mostly because everyone was beginner, and one in which I totally bombed it cause everyone else was so good) to get myself warmed up and used to dancing with strangers and picking up choreography quickly with a group.
The dance call was supposed to start at 4:30pm, and I got there at 4:00pm, and there were some people outside, so I kinda somehow assumed that they were just chillin and the doors hadn't been opened yet. Yeah I was real wrong, cause the building was, like, packed with people and the people outside were only there because they didn't want to be inside. As soon as I realized this, I went inside and checked in and started stretching like everyone else. But the acting callbacks were going on inside, and they didn't get us dancers in until a little after 5:00pm.
There were, like, sixty to seventy people. Which was way more than I expected. I had guessed that there would be maybe about thirty, because at the callbacks, I was there for like twenty minutes and only saw about five other people. I don't know where everyone came from. Anyways, the choreographer taught us the dance in literally legit like five minutes and a lot of people (me included) were kind of freaking out because it was so MUCH. Then he had everyone stand at the side of the room and he called people up three at a time to do the dance in that group in front of everyone.
Whoa.
At the only other dance call I went to (where there were about thirty people), we spent much more time learning the dance, and we did it in groups of four or five.
So I was high key freaking out and I couldn't remember the dance, it was so fast, but I actually was really lucky that I got called in one of the last groups, and, by that time, just by watching everyone else, I had it down.
I did well. I didn't have to look to anyone for the next moves, I had the choreo down and maybe I was executing it in a fantastically perfect way, but I GOT THE MOVES which was way more than I thought I would be able to do. And I remembered to smile, I looked like I was having fun. At that point, I wasn't even nervous, I was actually kind of excited to be dancing in front of the choreographer with everyone to the side watching. Everyone watching was very supportive of everyone, so it was a good environment. Basically, I did the dance and hit the movements right and smiled big and that was my best. I don't think that, at this point with the skills I currently have, I was able to do better than I did.
For some groups, the choreographer asked the people to do pirouettes (or other things I guess they've noted on their resume) and he did this for maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the groups, but he didn't for mine.
Then, when everyone had danced, the choreographer and the director spoke privately before coming back with a list of people they wanted to see tap.
I kind of thought maybe I would be on the list, but I wasn't. So I didn't get this show.
Wow. There were just so many people that, for them to notice you, you had to be so good. The people who were chosen were either just very good, or I wasn't paying attention so I don't know how good they were, or they've been in shows at the theatre before. (Which I have, but not as prominently.) Basically, they got their tap shoes on and immediately started learning the next cut.
So wow. I'm feeling a lot of things. Honestly, this particular show isn't one of my favorites and I find it pretty boring, but I could get into it if I was cast in it, you know? The ensemble doesn't do much and it's not really high energy either (except for a couple of numbers, one of which has always held a very specific appeal to me) so it's not like I just lost my dream role.
I think it's just because of this theatre. I've auditioned for them once, and I got that show, and it was a little bit of a different situation, because I was in the youth ensemble. But I haven't ever been rejected by the theatre before, and I consider it home, and it just kind of almost hurts a little bit. Though, honestly, I have never really really thought I could truly be cast in this. Of course, I had my hopes, and I definitely wanted it, but it always seemed lost before I had a chance to pursue it.
I've worked very hard with this show in my mind. It's what finally pushed me to get voice lessons, take dance classes, and I go practice singing, I go work out, I practice tap every day because of it. And I didn't even get to tap for them. I have only told one friend about my auditioning, but every day I've been dreaming of how I would announce to everyone that I was going to be in this show.
Ever since the casting call came out, there has not been a day in which I have not thought about this show. I came up with a lot of things that I would do if I got cast in it. But I guess that all of these things, I can do with any show. I'll get one when it's right.
I have the rest of my life. I'm eighteen. I dream too big for my own good. But, you know, sometimes I get it. It's just that this time I didn't.
I'm proud of myself, though. I was the only freshman from my university out there tonight. And even though there was a handful of high schoolers, that doesn't matter, like, I'm the only freshman at my school who knew of this opportunity, took it, and got this far.
I'd say the average age of the people there tonight was about 24. I danced with the big fish, and I'm not even a big fish yet. Imagine what I'll be able to do when I am one!
I'll have to train. I've just realized how behind I am. But I can do this. I have to do this. Once I'm at a certain level, I'll be good, I think, basically.
But also, recently, I've been eating really healthy and working out almost every day, and I had this show in mind, because I would have to be really fit for it (and mostly for auditions, for now) but now that it's not even in the question anymore, I don't feel like I have the motivation anymore. But we'll see.
Okay, I think that's why I'm STILL feeling so down even after I admitted that I don't really care too much about not getting this particular SHOW. I think it's because it's basically been my motivation for the bulk of what I've been doing. And now that it's gone, I don't know where my motivation is anymore. But I'll have to find it, because I can't afford to stop.
Losing this show has spun my entire perspective. But I'll be piecing it back together. I'll just do the things I need to do, and someday.... someday it'll all come full circle.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Free College Education
Many people are arguing for taxes helping pay for college educations. Many people are COMPLETELY AGAINST IT.
The people that say "these kids are their own problem" did not have to pay thousands upon thousands for college. It wasn't this expensive back then.
Also, THEIR generation is the one that made it absolutely imperative for someone to have degrees - sometimes more than one - to even stand a chance at getting hired. The way it has become in the last couple of decades, you can rarely get a job without proper education. That is not the fault of young adults. Young adults go to college because of the standards that have been raised by the current middle aged generation.
I've heard the arguments, "But I didn't choose for this college kid to go pursue a degree that isn't relevant enough to get them an actual useful job for them to pay their loans with." First of all, I wonder if these people know exactly how much student loans cost. There are very few degrees that will provide a young adult with the privilege of easily paying them off.
But the thing is, people go to college to get education that they will use in their workfield, and their workfield is probably going towards making advancements to help the society. It could be creating innovative technology, more efficient machines, inventing medical cures, etc. College does not end at college. Helping pitch in to pay for college tuition goes towards empowering the generation to become more educated, more innovative, and more equipped to create new advancements with the purpose of aiding society.
The fact is, college is hard. Paying for college is hard for young adults to do. The words, "I'm not going to college" receive a negative connotation, so, middle aged generation, please do not complain about young adults choosing to pursue the education that you made necessary.
The people that say "these kids are their own problem" did not have to pay thousands upon thousands for college. It wasn't this expensive back then.
Also, THEIR generation is the one that made it absolutely imperative for someone to have degrees - sometimes more than one - to even stand a chance at getting hired. The way it has become in the last couple of decades, you can rarely get a job without proper education. That is not the fault of young adults. Young adults go to college because of the standards that have been raised by the current middle aged generation.
I've heard the arguments, "But I didn't choose for this college kid to go pursue a degree that isn't relevant enough to get them an actual useful job for them to pay their loans with." First of all, I wonder if these people know exactly how much student loans cost. There are very few degrees that will provide a young adult with the privilege of easily paying them off.
But the thing is, people go to college to get education that they will use in their workfield, and their workfield is probably going towards making advancements to help the society. It could be creating innovative technology, more efficient machines, inventing medical cures, etc. College does not end at college. Helping pitch in to pay for college tuition goes towards empowering the generation to become more educated, more innovative, and more equipped to create new advancements with the purpose of aiding society.
The fact is, college is hard. Paying for college is hard for young adults to do. The words, "I'm not going to college" receive a negative connotation, so, middle aged generation, please do not complain about young adults choosing to pursue the education that you made necessary.
Latest Post
The latest post was written because I had to, and I didn't want to write it by hand because that takes a long time, and I wanted to have it concretely somewhere.
It's not for you.
It's not for you.
Dear God...
Dear God... this is crazy. I can't even believe you did this. How you continue to make the impossible happen, I'll never know. But the further I get in this, the harder it is to remember that this is yours. I feel accomplishment, and that's good, but I can't let it get in the way of understanding that I agreed that this doesn't belong to me, it was for you from the start. It's incredible, I've gotten so much further than I would have on my own.
But this is for you. You let me do this. You gave me the newfound bit of confidence, just enough to push me to being good enough for today. You gave me the privilege of walking into the room and there being someone to greet me with a hug and good conversation. It's all from you, honestly, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it. I guess that's because I don't. I haven't worked hard enough to get what I get. It doesn't matter how I think of it, it just doesn't add up, and the only explanation is your greatness and grace.
It's been for you every step of the way, and if I make it through the end, it will be so for you. It's not something I could do on my own, and it's only right that I give you the glory. And I know that I don't feel that 100%, and I think it's that I'm trying to detach myself from it (because it's not mine anyways) or maybe it's because I just really don't think I'll even have to make the choice to give the glory of the end to you. I'll be honest, I'm not really sure I'll have the strength to hand it all to you. But I know that, with your help, it shouldn't and won't be a problem. I don't even know if I can give what I promise, but I'll PROMISE that I'll give you what I can.
This isn't something you need. No matter who gets cast, it's going to be your children, and you don't need for it to be me. But if you do make it me, I'll do my best and I'll try my hardest to be a light for you. I've been your vessel all this way, and it only makes sense that I carry that out.
But I'll need your help. I don't have any doubt that you'll be with me every single step and second, but I doubt my own ability to give it to you in the fullest. I'll forget. I'll get too wrapped up in it. I'll get scared. I'll get ashamed. I'll get too cautious. I'm not strong enough for this. But if you can bring me to the point at which I am tested, that alone will be proof that your strength is enough to reinforce mine.
We're a team, yeah? We're in this together, I'm doing the things here and you're doing all the other big things that I'll never even know about. I'll never even KNOW what you made happen in order for this all to fall into place. I'll never know, but I thank you endlessly.
Thank you. This has been more than I could have asked for. This has been a true lesson in discipline with the craft and a close examination of what I'm here to do and what you send me out to do.
I don't know what's next. I don't even know what I would choose if you gave me the choice to dictate the future. I want you to do that. Whatever it is, just do it, whatever you need me to do to fulfill your plan, because what you have in mind for me is far more incredible than anything I could ever dream up. I trust you. I might not like it sometimes, but this isn't even about me. I'll just have to get over myself so that I can wholeheartedly serve you wherever I am, and so I can put my absolute best foot forward in whatever situation you place me in.
Do what you want. After all, it's really all yours. Thank you again, thank you... I'm in a state of middle ground where I KNOW that I don't completely understand everything that has happened, is happening, and is going to happen.
But I do know that it's okay that I don't understand completely. You're with me, for as long as I'm with you... and even after.
We'll do this. Stay with me. I'm following you.
Glory to You today and always.
But this is for you. You let me do this. You gave me the newfound bit of confidence, just enough to push me to being good enough for today. You gave me the privilege of walking into the room and there being someone to greet me with a hug and good conversation. It's all from you, honestly, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it. I guess that's because I don't. I haven't worked hard enough to get what I get. It doesn't matter how I think of it, it just doesn't add up, and the only explanation is your greatness and grace.
It's been for you every step of the way, and if I make it through the end, it will be so for you. It's not something I could do on my own, and it's only right that I give you the glory. And I know that I don't feel that 100%, and I think it's that I'm trying to detach myself from it (because it's not mine anyways) or maybe it's because I just really don't think I'll even have to make the choice to give the glory of the end to you. I'll be honest, I'm not really sure I'll have the strength to hand it all to you. But I know that, with your help, it shouldn't and won't be a problem. I don't even know if I can give what I promise, but I'll PROMISE that I'll give you what I can.
This isn't something you need. No matter who gets cast, it's going to be your children, and you don't need for it to be me. But if you do make it me, I'll do my best and I'll try my hardest to be a light for you. I've been your vessel all this way, and it only makes sense that I carry that out.
But I'll need your help. I don't have any doubt that you'll be with me every single step and second, but I doubt my own ability to give it to you in the fullest. I'll forget. I'll get too wrapped up in it. I'll get scared. I'll get ashamed. I'll get too cautious. I'm not strong enough for this. But if you can bring me to the point at which I am tested, that alone will be proof that your strength is enough to reinforce mine.
We're a team, yeah? We're in this together, I'm doing the things here and you're doing all the other big things that I'll never even know about. I'll never even KNOW what you made happen in order for this all to fall into place. I'll never know, but I thank you endlessly.
Thank you. This has been more than I could have asked for. This has been a true lesson in discipline with the craft and a close examination of what I'm here to do and what you send me out to do.
I don't know what's next. I don't even know what I would choose if you gave me the choice to dictate the future. I want you to do that. Whatever it is, just do it, whatever you need me to do to fulfill your plan, because what you have in mind for me is far more incredible than anything I could ever dream up. I trust you. I might not like it sometimes, but this isn't even about me. I'll just have to get over myself so that I can wholeheartedly serve you wherever I am, and so I can put my absolute best foot forward in whatever situation you place me in.
Do what you want. After all, it's really all yours. Thank you again, thank you... I'm in a state of middle ground where I KNOW that I don't completely understand everything that has happened, is happening, and is going to happen.
But I do know that it's okay that I don't understand completely. You're with me, for as long as I'm with you... and even after.
We'll do this. Stay with me. I'm following you.
Glory to You today and always.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Dance Dance Dance
Okay, I just did my callback audition. I was kinda flippin out, because I know that usually the theatre schedules two people for each five minutes, and they were supposed to be seeing callbacks for three and a half hours, so I was thinking that maybe 84 people were going to be there. I thought that the entire hallway would be full of people I know and was about to embarrass myself in front of.
But actually there were like three people there. Actually NO one was there when I arrived, and a few people came in after me. It was really chill. I actually lowkey messed up lyrics, but like when do I not, to be honest. I sat outside and the audition runner said she'd go in and ask if they wanted me to stay to read lines, which I didn't think they'd have me do. They didn't. They asked me to come back in on Saturday for the dance call. So I'll be doing that.
But actually there were like three people there. Actually NO one was there when I arrived, and a few people came in after me. It was really chill. I actually lowkey messed up lyrics, but like when do I not, to be honest. I sat outside and the audition runner said she'd go in and ask if they wanted me to stay to read lines, which I didn't think they'd have me do. They didn't. They asked me to come back in on Saturday for the dance call. So I'll be doing that.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Tech and Social Media
Before I start, I'm going to explain the word choice in my first sentence a little bit more. I use "Americans" because it is is the culture and society that I am living in now, and I realize that the perspectives that I am about to share my opinion over exist in different parts of the world. However, I originally wrote "the majority of the population" and that's not exactly right, because it's incorrect that the MAJORITY of the world has access to technology and social media. So that is why I chose "Americans"... it's the most specific and correct I could be.
Here we go.
The majority of Americans are on social media, and the majority of Americans like to scream, "Everyone's always on their phones, it's so sad, no one has a real life, it's just all on the screen." But I'd like to argue that that is only a problem to a specific degree. It's easy and relatively trendy to pout about how sad it is that everyone lives their life online (I'm having difficulty writing this sentence because I'm not even entirely sure what their argument is and what they support their opinion with.)
But here are some of my thoughts on this subject:
1. Internet presence does not strip someone of their humanity or the fact that they are a real person.
2. The internet allows people to break through the barriers of long distance, enabling us to interact with residents of other nations directly, providing the ability to dispel misconceptions and create friendships where world leaders do not.
Here we go.
The majority of Americans are on social media, and the majority of Americans like to scream, "Everyone's always on their phones, it's so sad, no one has a real life, it's just all on the screen." But I'd like to argue that that is only a problem to a specific degree. It's easy and relatively trendy to pout about how sad it is that everyone lives their life online (I'm having difficulty writing this sentence because I'm not even entirely sure what their argument is and what they support their opinion with.)
But here are some of my thoughts on this subject:
1. Internet presence does not strip someone of their humanity or the fact that they are a real person.
2. The internet allows people to break through the barriers of long distance, enabling us to interact with residents of other nations directly, providing the ability to dispel misconceptions and create friendships where world leaders do not.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Bread Bowl
"I get this feeling in my stomach... that feels like it's full of, like... saturated bread. It feels like someone put a bread bowl in my stomach." - My Roommate
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
More Annoying Actors
I almost feel either bad or hypocritical for bashing all the annoying actors out there.
But here's more.
Pick ANY musical theatre song and there WILL BE MULTIPLE comments of, "My school is doing this show and I'm playing -lead character-!"
Like, cool, bro. Yeah. These shows are performed, that's kind of how it works.
But I promise you no one on YouTube cares.
I have this one comment that's gotten relatively popular (not to my credit, it was just a joke, and the joke wasn't even mine), and it's about Peter Pan, and this girl just commented, "My school just did Peter Pan, and I was Wendy hahaha"
okay I literally do not care, everyone else literally does not care, and Wendy is irrelevant as your comment because the joke didn't even mention her anyways.
But here's more.
Pick ANY musical theatre song and there WILL BE MULTIPLE comments of, "My school is doing this show and I'm playing -lead character-!"
Like, cool, bro. Yeah. These shows are performed, that's kind of how it works.
But I promise you no one on YouTube cares.
I have this one comment that's gotten relatively popular (not to my credit, it was just a joke, and the joke wasn't even mine), and it's about Peter Pan, and this girl just commented, "My school just did Peter Pan, and I was Wendy hahaha"
okay I literally do not care, everyone else literally does not care, and Wendy is irrelevant as your comment because the joke didn't even mention her anyways.
daily(life)style
I've been thinking lots recently about how daily life and lifestyle changes so much. Even within the past few months (in which I have started college) it has changed many times.
I guess at the beginning of the semester, I would study, but sometimes with friends, and that's the thing, I had a group of friends in my dorm, including my roommate, and I would get upset when a friend would just come into our room and stay for a long time because that was distracting. I used to lock the doors even when I was in my room, just so they couldn't get in when I needed to get things done, but now I don't even have to worry about it. At the VERY beginning of the semester until a couple of weeks in, I would pretend to be asleep until my roommate left for class, then the SECOND the door closed, I would jump out of bed and start my day.
Then I think I just got really busy with school work, even though my relatively vigorous studying faded pretty quickly and early on in the semester. A lot of last semester was me (already kind of by myself, I didn't feel like hanging out with friends) either trying to convince myself to study, studying, or reading plays. Or doing really strange attempts at ballet, cause I wanted to learn but hadn't started classes. I did a lot of that, practicing basic ballet exercises alone in my room for a long time.
But when I started classes, I kind of knew more what to do. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced plies and pirouettes.
But, mostly, my life consisted of trying to study and reading plays.
This semester, it's a bit different. I'm taking three dance classes a week, I actually ride the bus everywhere (last semester I was so skeptical of the bus and riding at night wasn't even an option for me... as if I rode in the daytime.... I definitely did not). I take voice lessons, so once a week I'm up early and on the bus because it's a 40 minute bus ride to my teacher and I need my lesson to be early enough for me to get back in time for class. And I have a bike now, I ride it across campus. And now that I actually am learning tap, I usually have my tap shoes in my backpack, along with my voice song book and a play I want to eventually direct, and I'm in the process of analyzing it and living and breathing it so that I will be entirely familiar with it, enough to direct eventually. Anyways, when I head out - especially when I'm on my bike - I don't really know where exactly I'll hit before coming back home. I usually stop by the rec center to practice tap, or I'll go to the fine arts library or wherever else to work on the play, or I'll sneak into a practice room in the music building to practice vocal warmups. I'm still way too insecure about my voice to really practice as focused as I with I could, but it's just this mentality thing and I'm working on it. The practice rooms are only for music majors, but no one has stopped me yet. And thank goodness, it's my only option. If it's late, like after about 8:00pm, I might go to the theatre building and see if a dance studio there is open. Usually, you can only go in if you're a major and if you reserve the space 48 hours in advance with a staff signature for approval, but when the office is closed and there's no one else in the building, no one can see me tap dance.
But then I also study. I have to, I'm taking 18 hours this semester (for reasons relating to my hopeful double majoring). So I'm either in class, studying, or practicing refining my performing/artistic skills. I feel like a little wanderer, slipping into places where there's leftover time and leftover space. And no one knows I do it, I think. I slip in the cracks. No one sees me now, no one will see me coming, but that'll only be because they never looked.
I guess at the beginning of the semester, I would study, but sometimes with friends, and that's the thing, I had a group of friends in my dorm, including my roommate, and I would get upset when a friend would just come into our room and stay for a long time because that was distracting. I used to lock the doors even when I was in my room, just so they couldn't get in when I needed to get things done, but now I don't even have to worry about it. At the VERY beginning of the semester until a couple of weeks in, I would pretend to be asleep until my roommate left for class, then the SECOND the door closed, I would jump out of bed and start my day.
Then I think I just got really busy with school work, even though my relatively vigorous studying faded pretty quickly and early on in the semester. A lot of last semester was me (already kind of by myself, I didn't feel like hanging out with friends) either trying to convince myself to study, studying, or reading plays. Or doing really strange attempts at ballet, cause I wanted to learn but hadn't started classes. I did a lot of that, practicing basic ballet exercises alone in my room for a long time.
But when I started classes, I kind of knew more what to do. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced plies and pirouettes.
But, mostly, my life consisted of trying to study and reading plays.
This semester, it's a bit different. I'm taking three dance classes a week, I actually ride the bus everywhere (last semester I was so skeptical of the bus and riding at night wasn't even an option for me... as if I rode in the daytime.... I definitely did not). I take voice lessons, so once a week I'm up early and on the bus because it's a 40 minute bus ride to my teacher and I need my lesson to be early enough for me to get back in time for class. And I have a bike now, I ride it across campus. And now that I actually am learning tap, I usually have my tap shoes in my backpack, along with my voice song book and a play I want to eventually direct, and I'm in the process of analyzing it and living and breathing it so that I will be entirely familiar with it, enough to direct eventually. Anyways, when I head out - especially when I'm on my bike - I don't really know where exactly I'll hit before coming back home. I usually stop by the rec center to practice tap, or I'll go to the fine arts library or wherever else to work on the play, or I'll sneak into a practice room in the music building to practice vocal warmups. I'm still way too insecure about my voice to really practice as focused as I with I could, but it's just this mentality thing and I'm working on it. The practice rooms are only for music majors, but no one has stopped me yet. And thank goodness, it's my only option. If it's late, like after about 8:00pm, I might go to the theatre building and see if a dance studio there is open. Usually, you can only go in if you're a major and if you reserve the space 48 hours in advance with a staff signature for approval, but when the office is closed and there's no one else in the building, no one can see me tap dance.
But then I also study. I have to, I'm taking 18 hours this semester (for reasons relating to my hopeful double majoring). So I'm either in class, studying, or practicing refining my performing/artistic skills. I feel like a little wanderer, slipping into places where there's leftover time and leftover space. And no one knows I do it, I think. I slip in the cracks. No one sees me now, no one will see me coming, but that'll only be because they never looked.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Auditions
This might just be a personal thing, but I don't tell people about auditions I go out to. (Okay, I know I definitely wrote about my audition like a month ago, but that's because this blog is for me and no one else reads it.)
But my mom told her friends. And her friends have been asking me, "How did your audition go?" and she even told everyone that I got a callback, so they're asking how that went (it hasn't happened yet) and I usually respond with an instinctual saltiness, just because it's a, "are you kidding, my mom told YOU too??" Like... it's my deal, and my deal only. I think my mom mentions it to others so that they can pray that for me, that they go well, but... I mean, even I'M not praying to God that they go well, because I'm praying, "If I get this, God, it's yours, I'll do it for your glory because the only way this will happen is by your works, and if this isn't something you want, then that's okay."
I appreciate the effort... kinda... I appreciate that there IS effort going into helping me, like, do well, and I guess I don't want to slam it just for the fact that it comes form a different mindset than mine. I mean, people can pray all they want about my auditions, but I've chosen to give it all to God, because, honestly, what do I know? .....what do I know.
Anyways. I don't even tell my friends about my auditions, except for Nya, she's been my acting buddy from day one. I don't really audition for film anymore, but when I did, we'd go out for the same roles (haha she would always get them though) and we really understand each other because we're both biracial actors pounding the pavement to break into this industry. So I told her about the audition and callback (also she's integrated into this theatre's community as well, I'm not sure if I would keep her updated if she wasn't, but she's relevant), but I'm not telling even my other closest friends. I do this because I don't like people to know when I don't get things. It's partially because other people don't understand that, as an actor, you really don't get much at all of what you audition for, and other people just don't know what to say when they hear that you didn't get it. They try to, like, CONSOLE you and it's like - no - just - stop, you're making this bad when it wasn't bad in the first place. And, also, why let them see your failures? I know it's not very transparent of me, but I like to keep things under wraps until they are perfect and ready to be revealed. It doesn't hurt to say a little bit less about what I'm doing, and it makes me look like I achieve everything I try for (which isn't the case, but, hey, again, it doesn't hurt to have people think that... if they do think it).
I just think it's common courtesy not to talk about your auditions. It's your deal, and also, for big film productions, you're generally asked not to speak about the auditions because the production company doesn't want word out that they're creating and casting for something. It's all very hush-hush. So it's really, REALLY courtesy to keep it quiet, because these productions, they're more than you.
I write this post for two reasons:
1) to kind of vent about how irritated I am that all of my mom's friends know that I have a callback coming up, like they're GONNA keep asking, and if I don't get it, I'll have to tell them that, and if I get it, I'm still going to take a while before I let people know (you aren't supposed to announce your cast placement until the theatre either gives you a green light about announcements or they announce the cast themselves) so I'll have to lie to them and say I haven't heard back yet, or something. I mean, I could say that I'm not allowed to tell, but that implies that I got it, and then they'd know. Honestly, maybe - if I get it - I just won't even tell my parents, I'll just tell Nya, until I'm allowed to tell EVERYONE because I know that if I tell my mom, she's going to tell everyone and I can't have that!! I need to contain information. Okay, and, after all, this is my deal, and I think that I should have the rights to who knows about these things. I'd rather personally tell my friends (which will still take me a while to do, because the whole thing about having to wait) before it gets all leaked to my mom's friends. Ugh. I just don't like that everybody knows my stuff, and it wasn't even my choice.
2) to lowkey complain about friends talk about auditions on facebook... I guess, mostly, this one who really talks about it a lot. Like... what do you think you are. No, like... you're supposed to talk about the final product. "Hahaha just got a callback for a yoga studio commercial even though I don't do yoga" okay well you know what would be more impressive? When you lowkey post the completed commercial. If you even book it. It's kind of embarrassing to be an actor who everyone knows always goes out for audition, but no one hears of or sees any final product.
Like, y'all. Just don't talk about it. Anyone can audition for something. It's just a select few who actually get cast, and, until that's you, you aren't special.
But my mom told her friends. And her friends have been asking me, "How did your audition go?" and she even told everyone that I got a callback, so they're asking how that went (it hasn't happened yet) and I usually respond with an instinctual saltiness, just because it's a, "are you kidding, my mom told YOU too??" Like... it's my deal, and my deal only. I think my mom mentions it to others so that they can pray that for me, that they go well, but... I mean, even I'M not praying to God that they go well, because I'm praying, "If I get this, God, it's yours, I'll do it for your glory because the only way this will happen is by your works, and if this isn't something you want, then that's okay."
I appreciate the effort... kinda... I appreciate that there IS effort going into helping me, like, do well, and I guess I don't want to slam it just for the fact that it comes form a different mindset than mine. I mean, people can pray all they want about my auditions, but I've chosen to give it all to God, because, honestly, what do I know? .....what do I know.
Anyways. I don't even tell my friends about my auditions, except for Nya, she's been my acting buddy from day one. I don't really audition for film anymore, but when I did, we'd go out for the same roles (haha she would always get them though) and we really understand each other because we're both biracial actors pounding the pavement to break into this industry. So I told her about the audition and callback (also she's integrated into this theatre's community as well, I'm not sure if I would keep her updated if she wasn't, but she's relevant), but I'm not telling even my other closest friends. I do this because I don't like people to know when I don't get things. It's partially because other people don't understand that, as an actor, you really don't get much at all of what you audition for, and other people just don't know what to say when they hear that you didn't get it. They try to, like, CONSOLE you and it's like - no - just - stop, you're making this bad when it wasn't bad in the first place. And, also, why let them see your failures? I know it's not very transparent of me, but I like to keep things under wraps until they are perfect and ready to be revealed. It doesn't hurt to say a little bit less about what I'm doing, and it makes me look like I achieve everything I try for (which isn't the case, but, hey, again, it doesn't hurt to have people think that... if they do think it).
I just think it's common courtesy not to talk about your auditions. It's your deal, and also, for big film productions, you're generally asked not to speak about the auditions because the production company doesn't want word out that they're creating and casting for something. It's all very hush-hush. So it's really, REALLY courtesy to keep it quiet, because these productions, they're more than you.
I write this post for two reasons:
1) to kind of vent about how irritated I am that all of my mom's friends know that I have a callback coming up, like they're GONNA keep asking, and if I don't get it, I'll have to tell them that, and if I get it, I'm still going to take a while before I let people know (you aren't supposed to announce your cast placement until the theatre either gives you a green light about announcements or they announce the cast themselves) so I'll have to lie to them and say I haven't heard back yet, or something. I mean, I could say that I'm not allowed to tell, but that implies that I got it, and then they'd know. Honestly, maybe - if I get it - I just won't even tell my parents, I'll just tell Nya, until I'm allowed to tell EVERYONE because I know that if I tell my mom, she's going to tell everyone and I can't have that!! I need to contain information. Okay, and, after all, this is my deal, and I think that I should have the rights to who knows about these things. I'd rather personally tell my friends (which will still take me a while to do, because the whole thing about having to wait) before it gets all leaked to my mom's friends. Ugh. I just don't like that everybody knows my stuff, and it wasn't even my choice.
2) to lowkey complain about friends talk about auditions on facebook... I guess, mostly, this one who really talks about it a lot. Like... what do you think you are. No, like... you're supposed to talk about the final product. "Hahaha just got a callback for a yoga studio commercial even though I don't do yoga" okay well you know what would be more impressive? When you lowkey post the completed commercial. If you even book it. It's kind of embarrassing to be an actor who everyone knows always goes out for audition, but no one hears of or sees any final product.
Like, y'all. Just don't talk about it. Anyone can audition for something. It's just a select few who actually get cast, and, until that's you, you aren't special.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
wOW mY fRiENdS!!1!!1
There's this "Friends Day" going around on Facebook right now, and Facebook has created yet another video specific to each user, where it pulls photos and creates a cute little snippet.
Everyone is sharing theirs.
Everyone is sharing theirs with a caption along the lines of, "Aww so this is kind of cute."
Okay but why do you have to share yours. People are obviously going to find their own video way cuter than yours, and yea I get that it evokes feelings for you, but other people aren't going to have those same feelings. They aren't you. And the video is for you.
Half of my current Facebook feed is people reposting their own video. Like... chill, you're not special, and nobody wants to watch your video (unless, of course, they want to see if they're in it).
This isn't very compassionate of me. But it's getting the treatment it deserves.
Everyone is sharing theirs.
Everyone is sharing theirs with a caption along the lines of, "Aww so this is kind of cute."
Okay but why do you have to share yours. People are obviously going to find their own video way cuter than yours, and yea I get that it evokes feelings for you, but other people aren't going to have those same feelings. They aren't you. And the video is for you.
Half of my current Facebook feed is people reposting their own video. Like... chill, you're not special, and nobody wants to watch your video (unless, of course, they want to see if they're in it).
This isn't very compassionate of me. But it's getting the treatment it deserves.
Thoughts...??
It's so common. "My thoughts are with the victims of the recent earthquake in China." "Sending good thoughts to your family as you deal with this this rough time." "Please send good thoughts..."
Okay, but what are thoughts gonna do?
I suspect that the word "thoughts" has been replacing the word "prayer". But thoughts and prayer are two different things. Someone would say they'll send prayers to your family, and what they mean by that is they will pray for you, they'll do something that they honestly and genuinely think will help.
And I realize that many people (who aren't religious) believe that prayer is just thoughts, that they're going nowhere and are, at most, a good way to meditate. So, to them, the word "thoughts" can be used when they know they won't be praying.
But that's not how it works.
When people say "thoughts" instead because they're not religious or they don't want to admit their belief, they aren't really saying much by keeping someone "in their thoughts." Because "keeping them in my prayers" is a course of action, at least to the person who is religious. It is a promise to bring these troubles to their higher power (which is the absolute most they can do).
Many people laugh at religious folks for praying, because "it's just thoughts that aren't going anywhere, so why do you even try?" But they can't say that and then turn around and say, "I'm keeping you in my thoughts, I'm sending good thoughts." I would think that everyone realizes that merely thinking about something isn't going to make it better.
Prayer is action, but "keeping them in my thoughts" is not, so how is it even worth it to mention?
Okay, but what are thoughts gonna do?
I suspect that the word "thoughts" has been replacing the word "prayer". But thoughts and prayer are two different things. Someone would say they'll send prayers to your family, and what they mean by that is they will pray for you, they'll do something that they honestly and genuinely think will help.
And I realize that many people (who aren't religious) believe that prayer is just thoughts, that they're going nowhere and are, at most, a good way to meditate. So, to them, the word "thoughts" can be used when they know they won't be praying.
But that's not how it works.
When people say "thoughts" instead because they're not religious or they don't want to admit their belief, they aren't really saying much by keeping someone "in their thoughts." Because "keeping them in my prayers" is a course of action, at least to the person who is religious. It is a promise to bring these troubles to their higher power (which is the absolute most they can do).
Many people laugh at religious folks for praying, because "it's just thoughts that aren't going anywhere, so why do you even try?" But they can't say that and then turn around and say, "I'm keeping you in my thoughts, I'm sending good thoughts." I would think that everyone realizes that merely thinking about something isn't going to make it better.
Prayer is action, but "keeping them in my thoughts" is not, so how is it even worth it to mention?
Knowledge About History
There's that one video where people went around a college campus an interviewed people, asking them a history-based question and a pop cultured-based question, and, of course, many people were stumped with the history question, yet readily provided the answer to the pop culture question.
And everybody seems to be in a disapproving uproar about it.
Okay but what did we expect?
What I take from the video is that it was meant to emphasize the fact that the everyday person in current society knows an incredible deal about useless, irrelevant (but current) events and people, even when they lack knowledge of more important events from previous years.
But again. What did we expect?
On magazines in the checkout aisles and articles shared on our social media, we are so prone to involuntarily viewing these pieces of information about the lives of celebrities. There's no way to avoid it without being specifically intentional. There's nothing wrong with that. It is only an indication of being observant.
Much of what we know about the world is discovered through what we happen to stumble upon. That being said, it is natural that we have a more complete knowledge of current events and culture, compared to history. We see and take in news. News articles are not being written about historical events. That's not what news is. That's not the way it works.
We don't see magazine covers that describe events in history. News headlines don't draw us in to read about the years in which past wars began and ended. This information is simply not readily available to us, and this is why the common person generally does not have an answer about these subjects prepared to present when prompted.
And everybody seems to be in a disapproving uproar about it.
Okay but what did we expect?
What I take from the video is that it was meant to emphasize the fact that the everyday person in current society knows an incredible deal about useless, irrelevant (but current) events and people, even when they lack knowledge of more important events from previous years.
But again. What did we expect?
On magazines in the checkout aisles and articles shared on our social media, we are so prone to involuntarily viewing these pieces of information about the lives of celebrities. There's no way to avoid it without being specifically intentional. There's nothing wrong with that. It is only an indication of being observant.
Much of what we know about the world is discovered through what we happen to stumble upon. That being said, it is natural that we have a more complete knowledge of current events and culture, compared to history. We see and take in news. News articles are not being written about historical events. That's not what news is. That's not the way it works.
We don't see magazine covers that describe events in history. News headlines don't draw us in to read about the years in which past wars began and ended. This information is simply not readily available to us, and this is why the common person generally does not have an answer about these subjects prepared to present when prompted.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Character Clothing
I recently read a script that I think I will shoot towards getting approved to direct.
I've been putting together panels of photos that will inspire the costumes.
Here they are.
I've been putting together panels of photos that will inspire the costumes.
Here they are.
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