New Show?

So I've been awaiting auditions for this one particular show. It's going to be going on in the summer, so I was anticipating that auditions would be held in May, or April, at the earliest. I've been checking audition notices on the theatre's website out of habit and curiosity, and today... the audition calls for that show are up.
Already.
It's December right now. The end of December.
And the auditions are in the middle of January.
Which is crazy for many reasons.
First of all, that's like TWO WEEKS OR SO before the auditions occur... and usually the calls come out with a bit more time to prepare. Also, these auditions are REAL EARLY.
There have sometimes been two rounds of local auditions (because they go to NYC to hold auditions there, too) so I wonder if that's the case for this as well... if there are, they'd probably be around March. I'm kind of wondering if I should find out if there'll be that second round... because I was SO banking on being able to have basically an entire semester to get trained in dance so I don't look dumb at the dance call, and, possibly, vocal performance, if I have time/money.
But two weeks. I can't - uh...
Well, we'll see. I'll just throw my best shot. I already sent in my submission anyways, so I'm more or less locked into this. I also reached out to a vocal professor and I'd like to take a couple of lessons in prep for this audition. I'm so sure he's gonna be like "girl wat u tryna do" but at least I'm doing SOMEthing.
Basically, I'm not expecting to get in. Mostly because this show has a lot of small parts that are meant for middle aged cast members, and because these roles are small, the actors playing them are definitely going to be ensemble members as well, and that kind of sounds like it would make sense for a large portion of the ensemble to be made up of middle aged actors. That doesn't leave much room for younger performers, and that means that - out of audition young adults - the ones that are real good at dancing are probably going to get offered placement in the cast.
But, honestly, I don't particularly like this musical... I could like it if I tried, and I definitely would if I was a part of it, but it's not like a show I would REALLY REALLY feel like I TOTALLY missed out on a chance to perform if I don't get it. And I know that I'm so at the beginning of this journey, I'm still basically just heading into a lot of rejection, so I'm expecting that, kind of.

It would be absolutely crazy if I got in. But you know what? I have an absolutely crazy God and He can make these things happen. He's already done it before...
I'm promising God that this is for Him. If I get this - if He gives this to me - it's all His. All the glory will be to Him and to nothing else, because, honestly, I myself don't have enough to get this. It would definitely be nothing but Him if I did get this.
So this is for Him, right? And if He doesn't want this, then that's okay. That's nothing taken away from me. And if He does want this, if He wants me to do this for His glory, then that's absolutely fantastic and I'll be entirely endlessly grateful and will try to give back (though I'll never be able to fully and actually do that completely).

So that's that. That's my mindset. This is for God, and He's got the power of giving it to me or not giving it to me. But it's actually not even mine. It'll be God's, once I have it - if I get it - it would be His.

Please Don't Talk To Me

Lots of times, when I get home from a long day, my parents talk to me and ask questions and really just everything, and it completely drains me from what energy I have left. I don't mean to be rude or angsty, but it's really, really just that when I come back from an exhausting experience, I need to be by myself to simply chill and really be in control of how I spend my time until I'm back up for being social.I probably come off as like angry or annoyed (and that's partially because I usually am, at that point) but I don't really mean to. I just really don't need to have to be talking to someone at the moment... If I don't have the energy to carry a positive conversation with you, don't try to "cheer" me up.

And usually it actually does take until I go to bed and then wake up the next morning (not even then, because I actually also hate when people talk to me too early in the morning, before I've been able to prepare myself for facing the world). I know it sounds like you really just can't ever talk to me, but... I promise that's not what I'm saying. You just gotta get me at the right time, if you catch me while I'm out doing said exhausting activity, I'll more than likely be pumped with energy and I'm all yours.
But as soon as I hit the finish line and I'm free to collapse and be alone, that is what I will want to be doing.
Also, I don't expect people to abide by these guidelines. I know that it would be completely unrealistic for me to think that I deserve to be treated in exactly the ways I want... like, that just wouldn't be fair for anyone. But for as long as I have the time I do have to rant about these things... I will.

Don't Gift These

Things not to give to me for Christmas:
1. Chocolate. I know I like chocolate. But don't give it to me for Christmas, because I don't ever eat THAT MUCH, and you're gonna give me THAT MUCH because you'll look THAT STUPID if you give me like just a little. If you give me chocolate, I'm gonna feel obligated to like eat it, and I don't need all of that. I will get chocolate on my own when I want it or when I come across a small amount of it. But it's such a cop-out gift. Please don't do chocolate.
2. Jewelry. I don't wear it, mostly cause I have to take it off to shower, and then I usually just don't bother putting it back on, and it never gets worn. Also, jewelry is either cheap or expensive. If it's cheap, I can't wear it cause it's probably nickel, which I'm allergic to. If it's expensive, I'm just gonna feel bad that you spent money on something I don't even really like.
3. Lotion. Okay, I like soap, but, like, it's gotta be the cool kind, ya know, not like just a bottle of Bath and Body Works. If it's, like, charcoal soap or some cool handmade-looking bar soap, then I will love you, but if it's just cop-out liquid soap, then I mean, I have that already and don't really need more. But about lotion... that's so cop-out, too. That's really all I have to say about it, it's cop-out.

And I know I'm saying that a lot of things are cop-out, and I don't mean to imply that I'm, like, too good to be given cop-out gifts, but the thing is, you can spend that same amount of money on something I'll like. Cause a lot of things I like are things that aren't that expensive. You could literally give me a sheet of postage stamps, it'd cost you $10, and I'd like that way more than a $10 necklace or $10 lotion, cause I can and will use it to send mail to Broadway.
Postage stamps aren't the only thing I like, of course, I mean, there's always good pens, good pens are always welcome, there's good socks, those are so welcome, there's chapstick, I like that, there's SO MUCH.
And if you'd like the BEST cop-out (and this time I mean that in a positive way), Amazon or iTunes gift cards will always be loved and cherished.
Merry Christmas.

Onions?

I don't like onions.
I actually, ACTUALLY truly despise onions. As SOON as ANY amount of onion gets into my mouth, the aftertaste stays there for literally forever, like, it doesn't even matter how many times I brush my teeth and tongue and gums and roof of my mouth and inside of my lips and literally anywhere my toothbrush can reach without making me gag... doesn't matter how many times I do that, the onion taste STILL STAYS, usually even to the next day.
I would be okay if I liked the flavor of onion (I wish the taste of chocolate stuck around in my mouth that long) but I HATE IT so I HATE ONIONS.
Whenever I say that, there's always that someone who goes, "But onions add flavor!"
...okay... but if I don't like that onion flavor... why would I care if it's added or not....?

(Maybe the onion, chemically speaking, brings out the flavor of the other foods in the dish, although I just looked it up and couldn't really find anything on it, although ALSO maybe I didn't look for long enough.)

So there's my spiel on onions. Just don't give them to me, please. I will spit them out.

Manage Your Time

I'm just gonna put this out there - I'm guessing that about 65% of what's going to be on this blog is complaints. Cause I'd rather complain to this empty void than an actual person, because then I would come off as *whatever negative thing I might come off as*.

So here's this one.

Okay, So I don't really understand why some people take so long to "check" their schedules. Like, I'd be like, "Hey, our group is planning on grabbing lunch on Thursday, would you be able to come?" and they'd be like, "Yeah I'll check when I get home" and then they don't, of course, and I ask again and they're like, "I think I can, I don't really know."

I don't understand.

Like... you either are free... or you aren't... and if you aren't... then that's okay, please just tell me so I won't have to waste time waiting on you and planning for you anymore.

I don't know if it's that people don't keep calendars on their phones or anything else where they can write down which dates and times they are unavailable... because calendars are really useful, literally, just put in what day you have something, and just pull it up, and if there's nothing planned, then you're free and you can say, "Yeah, I'm available."

So I'm not sure why people don't do that.

Also... when people don't pull through with their promises, or just make empty promises on a whim... for instance, I say, "Hey, it would be cool to get a group to go kayaking next Saturday" and people say, "Yes!! We should for sure!!" and then, once the time rolls around and we're trying to figure out a time that works for everyone, they whip out the "Oh I don't really know when I'm free" or "I don't think my mom will let me ride into the city without a parent driving"... things that totally should have been detected as potential issues at the start of the entire thing.

I guess... don't tell me, "Yeah, I'm in on that!" if you're not. You're not being polite, you're getting hopes up and wasting my time and effort. If you aren't up for it, just say so at the start. Don't worry about hurting my feelings - you won't, you're not THAT important.

Video Advertisements

And, while we're on the subject, another thing that has really been annoying me lately: video advertisements that play before a video I want to watch. They take up five or fifteen seconds, and like THAT'S MY LIFE RIGHT THERE, I'm spending these seconds of my day sitting through freaking "Pizza at Dominoes is what you've always-"

I live life fast, I have absolutely no time to waste watching these ads. Although, more times than not, the videos I'm trying to watch are time-wasting, but at least it's my decision!! (All right, I wouldn't say that they're time-wasting, but they aren't usually going towards, like, school, and it seems like everything that's not school is labeled as "unproductive").

Also, those ads that pop up over like the WHOLE ENTIRE SCREEN when you go to a website?? Those are incredibly unneccessary and it's so annoying because you have to, like EX OUT OF IT just to see what you want to see.

ALSO, the video ads that just START PLAYING and you're like, "WHERE is this noise cOMiNG fROM??"

I hate ads so much, honestly.
Y'all, I'm an Advertising major.

Look It Up

One thing that irritates me to no end is how, if, over text or messaging or the likes, I mention someone (usually a Broadway actor) to a friend, and they say, "Who's that?"
Like... Google exists. Google it. It's much easier and it makes you come off as more educated and culture, also saves me having to explain.
I PROMISE you, if I toss a name out, it's gotta be someone who - if you Google them - you'll get the results. They are SOMEONE, and saying, "Who's that?" just MAKES YOU LOOK REALLY DUMB BECAUSE IT'S LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME IT WOULD TAKE YOU LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS FOR YOU TO LOOK IT UP!!"!""!"


This will never stop annoying me.

How Astronomy Ended

Hmmm soo.....
I didn't get that A in Astronomy.
There was this project that I got a 4/5 on.
Also, remember how I said if I did that homework I would only need a 62/80 (or something like that) on the next exam? So I got a 63/80 on it, and, basically, if I had gotten a 5/5 on that project, I would be have been SO mad because I would have had like an 88 in the class, which means if I did the homework what one day, I would have gotten an A.

So I missed an A by like a three points, wow. Ugh it's all stuff I completely could have fixed. And it's a little strange that I'd rather have an 87 in this class than have an 88 because (it's the same letter grade anyways) I would have been so angry at myself for not doing that homework.
I mean, I still am. I am still completely in shock about how much weight that held. What even.

Do your homework, kids.

No Idea

I hear it so much, especially being at college.

"I have no idea what I want to do."

That means you don't want to do anything.

Because if you wanted to do it, you'd know.

(But I don't mean you won't find anything. You might find it soon, and you might actually just "want to do it", you might not have passion for it, but you'll be satisfied. And that's fine, as long as you think it's fine.)

(This was really scattered.)

(I might write a more detailed, eloquent post about it later.)

The Years I Didn't Use

So if you dig a little deeper into the early, early years of my blog, you could probably infer that I used to dance. I wouldn’t even say “used” to dance because I still do (more about that in a minute), like, I’m actually at a dance studio right now, waiting for it to be time for class.

But what I mean is that my mom owns a dance company, it’s Chinese traditional dance, which is so different from any other type of dance. I always say that “it’s a cross between ballet and martial arts”, which it is, but there’s more to that. There’s just not a way to describe a style, it’s like trying to describe color. The words that you could use actually don’t describe it at all. And that’s the thing about art, you need it because nothing else will speak for it.

So I grew up doing Chinese traditional dance. My mom says she started me when I was two, which is really crazy because you start remembering things at three, so I don’t remember. I have this one memory in which I had not started dancing yet, but, other than that, I’ve been dancing for as long as I can remember. It’s really just what I did. It was like… it was most integrated into my system than going to school. Cause school started in, you know, preschool or whenever, like I remember my first day of preschool. I was a kid. But I started dance when I was at the earliest stage of toddlerhood.

But it never really was anything to me. I did it because my mom was the director, I was expected to, and all throughout my entire life (even now), people have asked me, “Do you still dance?” And when they say that, of course they’re talking about dancing at my mom’s studio. So yes, I still danced. How could I not?

Honestly, most of the time, I just danced because I didn’t have the heart to make my mom a dance director whose own child quit dance. I didn’t hate dance enough to do that. I tolerated it, I did all the motions, but I just DID them. I didn’t understand that that’s not all. Doing the motions isn’t all that comes with dance. I even hesitate to say that you COULD do the motions fully without the emotional investment. But I’m not a pro, so I’m not sure how much value my opinion holds.

Anyways, it was, what, fifteen or so years of tolerating dance class on Saturday mornings. I think when I was eleven or so, I really started to build a distaste for it, I would dread the moment my dad would walk into my room on Saturday morning and say, “It’s time for dance class, get ready” and I would have to pull on tights…. I despised tights, the way they cling to your legs and feel all restricting. And it was real awkward, wearing tights and a leotard, throughout those middle school years, cause I felt weird about being in really tight clothes. For a couple of years I wore one of those little half jacket things that ties in the front? I don’t even know what to call them, they’re not really an actual clothing item. But I wore them.

(I’m not even sure why I included that. It’s kind of uncomfortable to remember, and more uncomfortable to write about, but it’s honest and I want to be honest. And unafraid. So there’s that.)

I feel like I’m getting nowhere, okay, let me just put this down: at the end of the day, I didn’t like dance.

Until one experience. I know I haven’t talked about this on the blog that much, and it’s because it happened during the void in which I didn’t write on here at all, and that’s because it’s just too much to say. There’s absolutely no way I can just sit down and write EVERYTHING about it. So I think I’m going to just let it come out, with all these stories I tell and all these reflections I have, because it is still very finely and tightly integrated into my life. This said experience was my time in the show ‘The King and I’ at the professional theatre in my city. (Basically, all you need to know is that it’s a really big deal. Lots of people don’t understand what I mean when I talk about it, because they can’t wrap their minds around the fact that I was actually in a professional, Broadway-grade show, and that’s definitely understandable, because I don’t really understand how it happened, either, and I can’t believe it. Still.)

But, yeah. Some of our cast members were from NYC, and… just watching them dance. Watching their rehearsal work ethic, how they would have been dancing for a couple of hours, but they’d repeat things and make changes and never once complained or sat down or took anything less than professionally.

I actually got to understudy our dance captain. She’s doing the show on Broadway now (with most of the NYC members of our cast) but she was dance captain here, which meant she was also swing (she understudies any role, so if any dancer had to step out for a show, she would step in for them and I would step in for her). That was a complete honor, and I’m so glad that I was asked to do that. I never had to actually go on (which was good because I only had one put-in rehearsal where I did the track, and it was so confusing but everyone was being so supportive and helped me through it).

And I didn’t realize it at the time, but watching the NYC dancers really struck something in me. When I went to dance class, I started to work harder. I would do everything the best I could… I’d stretch my splits harder, reach a little further, jump a tad higher…

And it ended up paying off. I began to dance – really dance. It’s different when you put 100% effort into it. You start to get better. Good.

But that happened halfway through my senior year. And I’d almost regret not trying harder earlier on, but, the thing is, I know that I couldn’t have tried harder. It wasn’t in me, and I didn’t know what it meant. There wouldn’t have been a way I could have wholeheartedly given dance my all.

So, waiting here at the dance studio, I watched a little girl run out of her dance class, run to her mom and exclaim, “That was fun, mom! Even at the end!” and her mom led her down the hall as the girl continued to chatter enthusiastically.

That girl wants to dance. And, if she stays with it, if she WANTS to be there the whole time, she’ll be good. When she’s my age, she could be really good.

There’s so much potential in these young dancers.

They still have their futures ahead of them. They can still work so that, when they are young adults, they are fluent in dance and have years of good skill under their feet.

I know I’ve danced for my whole life, but I don’t feel like it. Maybe that’s just because I didn’t ever take up my mom’s offers to put me in ballet, tap, or jazz class. Maybe it’s just that I didn’t try. And I picked it up again, I’m learning those particular styles of dance, because I need to know them, if I want to do musical theatre. I need to be good at them, I intend to be good at them. It’s just that it’ll be harder for me, compared to someone who has really always loved dance.

But that just goes to say that you can’t force art. No matter how long you do it, if your soul isn’t there, it’s coming from the wrong place.

Step One

Right now, the title of my blog is 'The Years Before'. I chose that because it's a description of how I think of this time period of my life that I am currently in: the years before I build all the skills I need and I'm GOOD.
So a couple of things.
During orientation for college, the dean spoke to us, and he said, "You have four years to become the best of the best."
And that stuck with me.
It's set in me a 'game on' attitude. Because these four years at school, these are when people learn things, hopefully set a food in the industry... but, if you think beyond that, if your goals are a bit bigger, then you CAN be better. If you take the steps that other people are saving for later... YOU CAN BE BETTER.
And that's what I'm shooting to do. I'm trying to do everything I can, and it might wear myself out, but I think I have this passion that not everyone has. For as long as I know what I want while other people still aren't sure, I'm going to run with this. And I'm going to do my best so that I can be among the best.

Also, the musical 'Kinky Boots' came to town earlier this semester, and I got really emotionally attached to it, partially because one of my favorite Broadway actors stars in it, partly because - through a mix of seeing the show twice, stage dooring, and sneaking into a put-in rehearsal - I formed small (but existent) bonds with some of the actors, whether that happened because I got them cookies, had a mutual friend, or just talked to them at the stage door when no one else was talking to them... it was like I was so close, though I knew I was so far. Because they were just there for a week. They belonged to our city for one week, and, even then, they didn't really belong to us.
So because that experience meant a lot to me, that musical means more to me than the average show. There's this song from it - probably my favorite - called 'Step One' and it goes, "We may be facing the impossible, we may be chasing after miracles ... but this is step one."
And that's right.
This is Step One.

Before you get anywhere, you need to pound the pavement. Before you get anything, you need to make those steps towards what you want.

So this is Step One.
And that's what I'll be renaming my blog, at least for now.

Eighteen Hours?

Okay, so, for reasons, I have to take eighteen hours next semester.

I'm taking twelve right now.

I don't um. I'm not really sure how this is gonna go.

But it's going to be happening.

I told my friend (who goes to a different state school that's not at all at the high academic level that my school is at... like at ALL) I have to take eighteen, and said friend was all, "Same, I'M taking 17."

Mmmmmm not same.

I promise you that classes at my school are waaaaaaaay more difficult. So not same.

Stop Astronomy Now

I can't stop thinking about this, it's stressing me out so much.
I calculated everything, and if I did that one homework that one time, I would only need to get a 62/80 on the next exam to get an A. But because I didn't do it, I now need to get a 74/80 on the exam.
I just don't understand why one missed homework assignment equals 12 entire points on a test.

Astronomy Update

You guys. You guys you guys you guys you guys you guys.
My astronomy grade.
Right now.
Is like an 88.
That.
That means that.
That means that if I HAD DONE THAT HOMEWORK A LONG TIME AGO I WOULD HAVE AN A RIGHT NOW.

Do your homework, kids.

As long as I get a 74/80 or higher on my final, I'll get an A (assuming that I get all five points on this observation project, which I think I should get all five points on?)