On Our Own

I feel like I'd be considered a bad person for thinking this. And I can't really imagine anyone agreeing with me, just cause our society is so geared towards thinking the opposite. But.
I feel like people should take care of their needs before other people SOMETIMES (but most of the times) BUT STILL ONLY SOMETIMES.
I'll break it down.
Regular everyday people we encounter (you, me, our friends)... we shouldn't really put taking care of them before us. Because we know what we need. I'll put this into a very very very low-stakes example. You go the mall. Okay? And you go there to pick out an outfit that you really like. Basically, you want to pick out the one outfit that, after you've seen all the clothes there are to offer, you would like the best. So you go and you look at all the clothes and you decide on an outfit. Now if someone else had gone to the mall FOR YOU to pick a favorite outfit out FOR YOU, what are the odds that they would pick the same exact outfit? They'd probably pick another outfit, maybe something you like but don't like as *much* or something that's out of your normal style that gives you a nice challenge that you like, but it won't be what you chose.
I'm not saying at ALL that we shouldn't constantly invest in helping people. Cause we need help. We just have to ask for it. I think it's one person's own responsibility, if they are capable of it, to recognize when and where they need help, and to ask for it.
I'll acknowledge arguments now.
Sometimes people don't know that they need help. In these cases, you do help them out. Still looking out for each other.
Sometimes people can't ask for help themselves, or they really don't have the resources to cover their needs. These people might be children, might be homeless people, might be individuals with disabilities... it's privilege to be able to manage on your own until you have to ask for help. I'd say it's a privilege a lot of people have, though.

I'll wrap here. That wasn't a complete thought, I guess. Lots of holes in it. I'd just like to clarify one thing: I'm not against helping people. It's just that I think that it would be more efficient if, instead of me guessing what you need, for you to catch me when you need help... just let me know what to do, and I'm there.

What the FLIP just happened: Newsies Edition

Okay. OKAY. I don't even know what just happened. I'll try to piece it out.
From the beginning.
You should know that I'm a theatre major, and I'm doing theatre because two and a half years ago, little theatre-hating me went to go see a show on Broadway called Newsies. And that began a series of ridiculously lucky events that led me to be where I am today. THAT'S BACKGROUND INFO. KNOW THAT.
So Newsies is on tour, and my city is its last stop. I'm going to their final show, which is this Sunday, because it's the most important one, BUT I wanted to stage door a bit earlier because they're gonna be in a funky mood on Sunday, so I don't want to bother them. I knew that a friend was seeing the show tonight, so I asked him to grab me an extra program so that I could get it signed tonight. I actually woulda seen Newsies more than once, but I'm in this other show and we have rehearsal, so my only choice was to go on weekends anyways.
So right after rehearsal let out, I went to the theatre, and I actually got there just as intermission let out. I waited around for a while, and I really wanted to go in, I was so jealous of all the people. I ran into a friend and I said I was gonna go stage door Newsies, and she said, "Oh, Newsies! This dude from my high school was in the Broadway cast!" and I said, "Andy Richardson?" and she was like, "Yeah!" WHICH IS FUNNY because Andy is actually on the tour (and was on stage right next door!) AND when I went to go see it on Broadway, he's the only one I met. I went to put my donation into his Broadway Cares bucket, and I asked for a picture but he couldn't take one just then cause they were not allowed to take photos in costume, but he said, "Stick around and I'll take one with you when I change and come out!" but I couldn't stay so I didn't get that picture. So that was crazy that my friend happened to know of Andy.
Anyways, I wandered over to the area outside the lobby, and there were a couple of middle aged women sitting there, and one of them had her husband with her. She went to the locked door of the lobby while I pretended to be reading the posters on the doors (while I was really just straining to listen to the music inside). This usher came up and opened a door and asked her if she needed anything, and she said, "Oh no I'm just waiting for my son." and I took the chance and caught the usher and asked, "Is it okay if I slip in to check out the merch table, or should I do that when I come to see the show in a couple of days?" and she said, "Hmmm wait until then..." and I was like, "Okay yeah that's fine, thanks!"
She closed the door just as my favorite song, 'Brooklyn's Here', started playing. Just for the sake of conversation, I turned to the ladies and said, "This one's my favorite Newsies song!" and they were like, "Very nice" and then happened to notice each other, and then the craziest thing happened.
One said, "...are you Nico's mom?" and the other lady said, "Yeah! You're.. Andy's mom?"

HOLD UP.
HOLD THE... WAIT NO WHAT??

I was sitting there. In the lobby/not lobby. With Andy Richardson's mom and Nico DeJesus's parents.
WHAT IN THE WORLD. LITERALLY. I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO GUESS HOW THIS HAPPENED.
So for the next like HOUR I sat there and chatted with them, we talked about EVERYTHING, I told them my entire musical theatre personal journey story, we talked about their sons, we talked about all the guys in the casts (both tour AND Broadway) and that was INCREDIBLE because they just KNOW Jeremy Jordan and Ryan Steele and Corey Cott and like I'm just throwing out names here but they know ALL OF THEM. We had GOOD TALK. And then I took a selfie with them (they were laughing bc they aren't of the selfie generation and didn't know how it worked) and, per their request, I tweeted it to their sons.
Then the show let out and we watched curtain call from the monitors, and as soon as people started coming out, Nico's mom asked me, "Are you still wanting to get merch? I'll watch your bag, go see if you can get some, cause I think they said they're running out." and I was like, "Yeah I hope I don't get kicked out for not seeing the show," and she was like, "Just tell them you're Nico's sister" (because Nico is also Asian) and I was like lol okay and that's what I did. I rushed in, ran into my boss for a split second and tried to tell him everything but then I kinda ditched him and went to the merch table and got a t-shirt (rip $30) and on the way out, Nico's parents caught me and were like, "Got your shirt? Good! Let's go to the stage door!"
And I forgot that I kinda texted my friend to meet me out there and act like we happened to run into each other, so it was super super awkward (I forgot to act surprised) but he got me a program just as Nico's mom went to the usher and got one for me (sweet lady, bless her) so I had two programs which was perfect cause my friend wanted me to get one signed for him as well.
So I go out with Nico's parents and Andy's mom to the stage door, where there are people waiting already, but it was INCREDIBLE because Nico's mom grabbed all the Newsies as they came out and whisked them over to me, saying, "This is Mia, you should meet her!"
...all the other times I've stage doored, I thought I was on cloud nine, but let me tell you. Stage dooring with cast member's parents is THE WAY TO GO.
Anyways, I was introduced to like ALL of them, got pictures with them and it was so weird because I've seen their faces on social media and regular media and everything, and it's kinda stunning that they literally just look the same when you see them in person. Like. You've seen pictures and videos of these faces, and now they're here, the real deal, in front of you for the first time, but it's a FAMILIAR face. I knew all of their names and I guess it caught them by surprise, but they always are a beat brighter when you recognize who they are.
It was a blur. I got them to sign the programs, Nico was so sweet awww, also I told both Nico and Julian (the two Asian Americans in the cast) that I really appreciate their work and I look up to them for representing our ethnicity, since it's so so rare. They looked really touched by that. Julian told me to keep doing what I'm doing, keep training, keep persevering. And I will. Thank you, Julian.

They were all dressed really nice, too, and all headed on their buses to go to an after party (the parents were talking about it, they were like, "I don't even know where it is"), it's their official closing night party. But it was cool, like, they got on the busses and they literally were normal 20-something year old boys... as if they didn't just do full Tony-award winning show.

Also in the cast is Michael Dameski, who won SYTYCD Australia a couple of years ago, and the person after me didn't have a Sharpie so I let him hold onto it and he signed like ten people's playbills with my Sharpie, hahahaha... I ran off to get a pic with Anthony, and on the way back I ran into Michael and he was like, "Here's your Sharpie back."

Andy was the last one out, and his mom pulled him over so I could meet him, and Andy signed my program as I told him, "I saw you about two years ago on Broadway, and you're the only one I met. You said that if I wanted a picture, I could find you after you changed, but I didn't get to do that... so can we get that picture now?" So we finally got a picture. I also told him how seeing the show changed my life and shoved me into the arms of theatre... and he gave me a huge hug. Then he went to go sign other people's stuff and take other pictures, and after he was all done, he and his mom said a last goodbye to me and went on their way.

I still don't understand how that happened. I have pictures that I snapped, and I'm glad I have those, because, in my mind, this night was all a blur.

Dangerously incredible things related to Newsies seem to happen to me.
What's next?

Summer 2016 Reflection

                “And just like that it’s over. We tend to our wounded, we count our dead.”

                I just completed something that, one year ago, I thought I wouldn’t be qualified to do for at least another couple of years. I don’t really know how it happened, except for the fact that the opportunity presented itself, I took it, and I ran with it. This was a challenge. It was a challenging thing to be faced with every day. It overwhelms me when I think of how many days I checked children onto my roster, how many kids passed under my instruction, how many hours I spent in the classroom wrangling the focus of the young ones. It was a lot.

                I could speak for ages about the invaluable lessons I learned in the many moments of joy, but, in all honestly, I was surprised most by what I learned during the times when I was angry. At some points, I was angry at situations of losing opportunity to people I felt didn’t work as hard as me for. I was angry at said people. I was irritated with some of the other interns because of their personalities, because of their privileges… but when all pulls through, I realized that it’s okay. Because, in the end, we’re all just trying our best. It’s that pure, it’s that simple. We’re all just trying our best. Nobody means harm, nobody means to be a bother, and conflict exists because priorities are in different places. We all have our eyes focused on different end points and we’re all just trying so so hard to get there. For months, we faked smiles for the sake of getting along. We held our tongues for the sake of avoiding conflict. We shifted eyes for the sake of letting nearly trivial things slide. Because we knew that we held each other up. We were each a fragment of the house of cards. And, after that, I think I learned what family means. I oftentimes hear people speaking of how their family members are diverse and borderline crazy, but they “love it anyways, because that’s who we are” and I didn’t understand that until the moment we started to say goodbye. Until I looked into the eyes of the people I internally fumed over, until I held them in my arms and realized that… hey. This is what we are. Like it or not, we share this life. This is the family we have built. And each and every one of us… all we’re really doing is trying to do our best.

                What has been the norm for us will never be our lives again. Right now, when we see the photos, we see a reflection of our current lives. But our paths now diverge. We came from all different corners of the country and walks of life, and we will now disperse right back into different corners of the country and walks of life, but at least we walked this bit together. At least we shared this. No matter where we came from and where we go, these eleven weeks have been stamped upon our lives.

                In eleven weeks, I learned to laugh. I now laugh louder, more frequently, more boldly. Because joy should not be invalidated, and humor should be appreciated.

                Honestly, I’m not sure I would say that I put as much into it as I should have, and, in turn, I’m not sure I would say that I got as much out of it as I could have. I thought I would pursue connections more, initiate conversations more, deepen friendships more. There are so many things I thought I was going to do. But the trouble is, I thought I had time. Reflecting on that, I now am reminded to never get into the groove of things. No matter how structured your situation is, as soon as you start falling into routine, you stop taking initiative, you stop pushing farther. So, like always, I know that I could have done better. There isn’t a second time around for this, but there is a first time around for the next thing. And I’ll try harder then. I’ll do better then. Because that’s all I’m trying to do.

                Because that’s all I’m going to do.

Actually the End

I get excited a lot. I get excited when things begin and when they start picking up quickly.
But so many times, that's where it ends. I wait patiently, I wait for however long it takes me to realize that what I thought was a promising beginning was actually the end.

"Treat Yourself"

I did nothing today. Partially because my day was thrown off balance by having to push back plans with someone who overslept. But that aside... I mentioned to a friend how I did nothing, and they said something that I hate hate hate hate hate for people to tell me.
"Treat yourself!"
What the flip does that even mean.
Why is it a good thing to do nothing? I didn't get this far by doing nothing. Like, if you're going to be a lazy person and think that it's good to slack off, that's fantastic for you, I don't care, you can go do that. But me? I work way too hard to afford to stop.

People also say that when I can't stop myself from eating something like some dessert, or a lot of food. "Treat yourself!" WHAT THE FLIP DOES THAT MEAN.
Why is it a good thing to put unhealthy food into your body? It's so stupid I can't even build an argument against it, cause usually arguments can only be built against things that are made of at least some substance.

Eating unhealthy and accomplishing nothing are not to be encouraged.

At least, that's not how I work. "Treating" myself means working my behind off all day, packing my day with booking it between internship, training, practice, stuff like that, and hitting the bed at night absolutely tired but ready to shoot up the next morning to do it all again. Cause you know what that leads to? It leads to success. It leads to me potentially being better than the lazy person who thinks that staying home all day is a successful day.

I delight in working hard. It feels good. (Same with eating healthy - it feels good.) So when someone tells me to "treat" myself and NOT work hard or NOT eat healthy, that's kind of offensive because... do you really think that I hold myself to such low standards? Do you really think I disrespect myself so much that I give myself a pat on the back for literally doing nothing?

I'm not stupid. So while you're rewarding yourself for being lazy, I'll be crushin' it somewhere across town. See ya later, have fun getting nothing done.

Pens For Her

So everyone's kind of blowing up about these pink and purple pens that are "for her". People get the idea that it's a condescending product that suggests that women can't use other pens, pens that they are now mockingly calling "man pens."

Okay, y'all, hold up.

Just because these pens are "women's pens" doesn't automatically make any other pens "man pens."
Nowhere does it say that women can only use these pens and women can only use these pens. These pens are just an option for if somebody wants a pretty pen. Lots of people don't want pretty pens, but some people do. It's kind of a niche market.

I will say that I don't 100% agree with labeling it "for her" because some of these people who want pretty pink and purple pens might be men. And that's not a big deal, that just means they like the colors and the designs, it doesn't necessarily imply anything else.

I don't think that these pens are an issue, besides the company's direct claim that they are for women.

On the other hand, lots of children's toys are getting lots of criticism because they are flowery and pink or (something stereotypically boyish?) and blue. But do these products actually SAY "for girls only" or "for boys only?" I don't think they do; at least, I haven't seen any that say that. People claim that the only toys manufactured for girls are all princesses and flowers and pink and purple, but who's stopping a boy from buying them? What if a boy likes a flowery purple toy? Nothing says he can't buy it. These boundaries are set by the consumers who imagine the line.

That's all I've got for now. I think that people are making too big a deal of "gendered products." For people who care so much about it, they're doing kind of a lousy job of just buying whichever product they want.

Step in Time

I've been having the incredible opportunity of watching rehearsals for Mary Poppins at the theatre I work at.
I tried to keep it down. But I can't. Here goes.
Today, the five hour rehearsal included Step in Time (the tap number where the ensemble is chimney sweeps) and the scenes directly before and after. I'm gonna TELL you about Step in Time.
It was mindblowing. Incredible. Absolutely unreal.
First of all, I adore the interactions that go on between the chimney sweeps. There are so many cute little transactions that occur, you DO NOT have enough eyes to watch them all. They all happen so quickly and swiftly that, chances are, you're missing them. But the chimney sweeps all exhibit a charming camaraderie, and they're constantly shaking hands, patting each other's shoulders, and tossing each other smiles on a whim. It's different each time.
Also, for some reason, lots of the ensemble boys were wearing baseball caps, and at random times when improvising was allowed, you'd catch one whip his hat off his head and tip it to another sweep or whirl it around up above his head.
And directly after the button of the number (that's the very very end of a dance and song), the music goes slow and everything starts happening in slow motion... and everybody does intensely interesting things. This one guy does a backwards somersault from his button position. These three chimney sweeps engage in a three-way handshake, arms crossed over each other. One chimney sweep, who finished the button in the most adorable way - landing on the ground with his chin in his hands, peeking out from between another sweep's legs - gets help standing back up. Bert spits on his hand and little Michael looks with horror as their hands meet... and as the handshake ends and Michael pulls his hand away, he pulls a revolted face and wipes his hand clean. It's all happening in slow motion, and all at once, in a matter of five brilliant seconds, and if you're watching one, it means you're missing all the others.
The most striking thing about these ensemble members is that they are downright charming. There's a number called the the Step in Time Reprise, it's immediately after Step in Time and it's a transition from the rooftops into the Bank's house, and the chimney sweeps interact with the people of the household. The absolute cutest part was a segment that was just added today, when the chimney sweeps, all having fun, swing their hips back and forth - along with matching arm movements - as they wait for their cue from Bert. There's no way to properly explain that part. It's just so cute. SO cute. Also, in another corner, where Mr. Banks's desk lies, one sweep climbs up onto his office chair and starts dancing, as two other sweeps grab his briefcase and toss it back and forth to each other, running around the table with it, as Mr. Banks angrily tries to grab it back. Meanwhile, Ms. Banks is pulled into a salsa with Bert and Miss Brill is tossed around between sweeps. It's a total party. And, at the end of the scene, when the sweeps are all filing out the door (still in dance), the charm reaches a peak as, one by one, the boy chimney sweeps prance past Mr. Banks and individually sing, "Good night, guvnor!" as they spin backwards and tip their hats to him.

But I couldn't give a description of this number without noting the INCREDIBLE tap soloist. Okay. you know how, when a fan starts to move, you can't see where the blades are - it's just a blur of color? That's exactly what happened with his feet. It's the only way I can it. Near the end of the number, his feet started flying so fast that I honestly COULD NOT SEE where they were. He was floating on a cloud of brown and all these incredible NOISES were rocketing out from beneath him.

That wasn't the only moment that left me beyond mindblown. There was one section where the sweeps began to make intricate rhythms by clapping and slapping their shoulders, knees, elbows... it was a relentless string of hands flying, striking skin. They did the thing where you cross your arms (hands tap the opposite elbow) then you bring them back up to the middle, where the backs of your hands slap together, and then back down to elbows, etc. and also this thing there (try this with me) you put your left hand over your right knee, use your right hand to slap your knee, bring it up to slap your left hand, bring it back down to slap your knee, repeat on the other side. And then repeat that. Again. Again. Really fast. REALLY FAST.

Also, let's just not forget when two of the sweeps did ten pirouettes in a row, perfectly synched, and then ended it with a toe-touch jump. It was all too much. So much.

And there's this part where the chimney sweeps, with their brooms in hand, line up in two lines, facing each other, and Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids walk down between the lines, but, as that's happening, just in front of them, the chimney sweeps toss their brooms across the alley to each other. The broom toss occurs in a wave, just as Mary and the others arrive down the row. It's nothing short of impressive.

Also, just by watching, I learned a few new tap steps (from the parts that were slow enough for me to process) and I actually remember quite a bit. I remember the last several 8-counts of the entire number, which is nothing compared to the entirety of the number, but they did the end a few times, so I got to watch it and remember the sequence of the moves. I probably couldn't DO it cause my technique isn't there yet, but I definitely know what's next in the dance.

I think that's all I have to say now. I think I've run my pen dry. I just wanted to write about it on here because I'd been texting a couple of friends throughout the night, and that's all scattered and I wanted a place to have it ALL. So here it is. It'll probably be added to. But anyways, here's this.

In conclusion, my mind is shattered. I question what is real. I watched them rehearse for five entire hours, and during that time they had every ounce of my attention, but, even after that, I can't even begin to describe what just happened right in front of my eyes.  Everything I witnessed was far beyond unreal.

And that was just one number.

Diversity and White and Color

Last night at the Tony Awards, all four actor/actress awards for a musical went to people of color. All were black, though Daveed Diggs is half black.

Please don't misunderstand; I am absolutely thrilled about this. However, I disagree with calling these results "diverse." Only one race is represented in this win, and while it's extraordinary that this happened, it still is only one race. A diverse win would include people of different races. For instance, it would have been diverse if the winners were a black person, a white person, an Asian person, and a Latinx person. Instead of saying that these results are diverse, I would say that these results are colorful. The wins are filled with people of color.

If we were going to put this statement in terms of diversity, we would say that these results increase the diversity of the pool of winners in these categories. Because Leslie Odom Jr won best actor in a musical, the pool of winners of this award (within the history of the Tonys) is now more diverse.

If we are going to talk about diversity, we need to acknowledge what it means. We need to know what is diverse and what is not diverse. Diverse does not mean "not white."

So are we fighting for diversity or against the domination of white?

Mmmmmm ://

So this is literally just because I want to get this out, but can't find it in myself to say it to an actual person, cause that would be with bad judgment.

You know that show I auditioned for at the very beginning of the year? Yeah let's just say it was Cabaret (it definitely was not Cabaret, I'm just saying that cause I don't really know who's reading this - no one hah - but I still have that weird feeling where I don't rest well with telling people my auditioning business). We're gonna pretend it was Cabaret, just for these purposes.

Okay I'm interning at the theatre, I don't know if I mentioned that. But I am, and we get lots of things attached to it, like tickets to opening night of the new mainstage show last night. And all of us went and it was a fun time and it was a total blast. Cabaret opens while our internship is still going on, and we really most likely will be invited to opening night again, and, if not, another show of it for sure. There's this (pretty big) part of me that wishes I was in Cabaret... I know that I would probably physically crumble under the schedule of doing camps all day (that's my internship) - which is almost too much for me all on its own - and THEN going to hours of rehearsal afterwards. Though I would have a couple of hours in between to recharge. Anyways, you know me, I would never complain about that. I would mentally be over the moon, high on theatre, but sometimes mentality isn't enough, physicality has to agree. I don't think it was a mistake that I didn't get Cabaret, but I really still wish I did get it. I just can't stop thinking about how incredible it would be to be on stage the next time the interns go to see opening night. I'd come out of stage door and they'd swamp me (let me dream, okay? though that's really realistic, I don't think they wouldn't) and I would be up on stage knowing that - ok this makes me sound awful - that I'm just a little more accomplished than them. Okay I'm the worst. But I'm being honest. And I want to stick with honestly, cause I don't want to deny my wishes. I would just absolutely love if I was in Cabaret.

ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT so many people that I know and love are working on it. Like one prominent staff member, whom all the interns adore but are afraid of... how cool would it be to be in a show with her and have that much more of a connection with her than the other interns? Well, I would say that I'm closest to her than any other intern because I was here last summer as a counselor and we kinda bonded then. So, like, she's known me.

I think that I just want the other interns to respect me. I think that's what it is. Not that they don't respect me, they totally do, but I mean respect in the way that, like... ugh I'll just say it, I want to be better than them. That's me. I always want to be better, it's a competition always. But only sometimes. What am I saying. Some things I just want to be the best at. I'm competitive. I guess that's what I mean.

About Ambitions....

So many people are driven by their ambitions. Actually, ambition is what drives people. I guess that's a fact. But it's dangerous if your ambition is too far.
College kids often study for their classes with an idea along the line of, "I need to get a good GPA so that I can graduate with honors and go to grad school and find a good job and be a stable and employed adult by the time I am in my thirties."
Okay. Yeah, that's what everyone thinks. That guy who just got laid off by his company? That's what he thought when he was in college.
The thing is, it doesn't work out for everyone. Things might go wrong, and if you're focused on the big picture, you could very easily miss the cues that lead you in a different and better direction.
Here's an alternative: know your big picture ambition, but focus on a smaller milestone. If everything is destined to work out, it will, and you'll get to your big picture anyways. But if your path starts to turn a different way, your next milestone will alter accordingly, and you will know that your path has moved.
In the end, don't work towards your "pie in the sky"; you will never be satisfied. Even if you get there, by that time, you'll be worn out and you'll feel like you deserved it anyways. Don't do that to yourself. Live by the little. Run the marathon of life by the mile, not by the bulk.

For Document on Laptop

People need to realize that they by no means have control over who is in their life. Everyone has the choice of leaving a friendship, and that generally leads people to believe that they are in control over the existence of a relationship, but they often forget that it can equally be cut off by the other person as well. It's a shared power. In other words, not one person is more powerful than the other. Even if you think you have the upper hand, know that none of your friends are obligated to stay.

* CONT * This Summer!!

THIS IS CONTINUED FROM THE POST DIRECTLY UNDER!! It just got really long, so that one actually comes first!


Anyways, somewhere down the line, I decided to apply for the summer internship. I wrote a formal email cover letter and attached my resume and everything and submitted... and it was kind of funny because I totally know the dude that was the email correspondent. So it was like... he was setting up an interview time and it was really chill cause, like, we friends on facebook and I have his number in my phone and everything, like, WE FRIENDS. But I knew that I still had to be game-on at the interview because my competition had more experience and more education. I can't tell if me being already so involved with these camps made it harder or easier for me to get in. I don't know and it doesn't matter, anyways. I have to say that, in my opinion, I nailed my interview. The guy and this other girl (whom I hadn't met before) interviewed me, and I think the girl actually had more say over who gets the internships, so I guess I was good enough for her to like me.

I'm a little bit scared going into this. I know that it will be a little bit different from the other camps, as expectations are going to be higher. Also, the rest of the interns are older than me. I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest. One of them is actually one of my castmates from the show I did at my university last semester, so that's exciting. Another is one whom I've known of for a while, he's a senior this year at my university, but he looks and acts, like, 30. I've facebook stalked my fellow interns (there are ten of us, including me) and I think the three of us from my university are the only ones from my city. Also, I'm so so sure I'm actually the youngest. Which is cool. Because I'm the only one who's done stuff with this theatre and its education program. I know how these things work, I know the drill, I have SUCH a leg up. And that's kind of scary. I don't think I'm gonna mention that to the other interns, unless the camp staff sorta spills the beans for me. I don't expect to be treated any better than the rest of the interns... I mean, it's sort of tricky, with me being a veteran. I'm not going to assume anything, I don't know if it's a pro or a con, or if it makes any difference at all. I'll just do my best and know that the other interns may be better than me (in which case I will learn from them) or less knowledgeable than me (in which case I will allow them to learn from me, if they'd like).

I don't know what this will be like. I'm the young fish. But I'm also the only one who knows the drill. I have no doubt that this will be an incredible summer. Honestly, if I were to predict, I would say that me having experience at these camps is not going to make any difference, as everybody will have it down in a matter of two weeks anyways. Actually, I might even feel a little bit alienated if I pull up a tradition that they don't really know about. Or maybe I'll not quite fit in because I'm so much younger. I guess it's inevitable that I'll like some more than the others, though I want that idea to have to prove itself. Either way. It'll be a good summer. I feel it in my bones.

This Summer!!

Okay okay okay listen up!!

I am so excited about this summer.

I'm interning at a theatre that is near and dear to my heart, and I'm actually so glad that I've been able to build and maintain connections here. I became involved with this theatre when I did a professional show here last season. I knew that this held too many opportunities to throw away (even if they did require quite a bit of pursuing), so I kept it up and stayed involved. One of my castmates asked me if I was planning on applying to be a counselor at the camps during the summer. There are eleven (separate) weeks of camp at this theatre as part of the education program. There are about ten different groups each week, broken up into age groups. Each age group (well... it kind of goes lower elementary, upper elementary, middle school, high school) has different types of camps available, and anyways, it's a cool deal. There are about fourteen kids in each group, and each group is assigned to one intern. The interns are there for the entire summer. They don't always teach the same age group, and, near the end of the summer, they get to teach on their own.

The elementary aged camps have also have a counselor in their group. The counselors are high school kids who apply and are selected to be a right-hand man to the interns. They generally are only at one to three camps over the summer.

I was a counselor for two weeks last summer, and I absolutely admired the interns I was assigned to. I was actually way more enraptured by the guy I had the first week I was there... he worked with such purpose and charisma that I was honestly inspired to be my very best self 100% of the time. He's just one of those people who, once you've found them, you know you cannot afford to let go. He kind of made my world go round, and I'm so so lucky to still be in contact with him. He came to see a show I was in last semester (he was one of the only friends I told about the show, and I gave him one of my comp tickets) and I went to go see him in a devised piece at his university.

I could talk about him forever, but I'm off track.

Basically, now you see that I really really really really admired him and looked up to him. And I looked up to the intern I worked with the second week, too. These people were... wow! I just wanted to be like them, and I tried to hard to quickly learn from their ways.

This kind of fell into place perfectly. The lady named Kate was in charge of the counselors, and after my last day of camp, I shot her an email to thank her for the opportunity. Then, months later, as I was preparing for my audition for my university's theatre and dance department, I asked the director (of the show I was in) if he had any suggestions for acting coaches to help me with my audition pieces. He recommended Kate, and CC'ed her into the email. She quickly reached out to me, and we set up lesson times. She helped me so much. So much. But that's another story. Anyways, after I completed my lessons and was all ready for my audition, she asked me if I would be interested in interning for the winter break camps. There were two three day camps, and she wanted to know if I would intern... so I would get paid, have my own groups, just like the summer interns, but a little less would be expected from me, as I wouldn't have had the training that the summer interns get. So of course I jumped on the chance. Winter camps were great, and then I was invited back for a one day camp and then the spring break camps. The other interns for these camps were either high school seniors or other college freshmen... and summer interns have at least half their college career under their belt, if not all. Anyways, I'm actually the only person who was there for all four weeks of camp (and those were the only camps that there were during the school year). I'm not sure if others were invited to all, but turned down the offers... anyways, I was the only one there for all of it.

I'm breaking this into two posts. I didn't know I would end up explaining EVERYTHING hahaha....

Free of Friends

Friends do little more than disappoint, I feel like.

This past week as I've come back home for the summer, many friends have demonstrated their lack of effort in friendship. One particular friend has made plans with me and then flaked out... I think about five times in the past week. And today I ran into a mutual friend, who mentioned that she saw friend just yesterday. Which is.. like... (I'm not personally offended, I really don't care what this idiot does) sort of shady.

Really, out of all the friends I've had for seventeen years of my life, three have stuck. There's my best friend who's been my best friend ever since fifth grade. And then there's one who's a junior in high school now, and he's the only one who still texts me. And he lets me give him advice, which I love doing. And then there's one who has been a dear friend for about three or four years... we were brought together by a mutual friend when I was looking for a cast for one of my short films in early high school. This friend is incredibly gifted and she still pursues her craft, and just this morning I went to school to go see a play that her class put on. Of course, high school theatre does not do her justice, but I'd go see her in anything.

That's three. I guess that's okay. But, I don't know. Seventeen years yielding... three true friends?

Honestly, I don't really value people. That's probably a bad thing. There is a very very small handful of people I truly value. I guess that's why I'm so indifferent about the prospect of letting some friends go, even if we've been "friends" for years. Honestly, those three aforementioned friends are, like, the only ones who really hold value in my life. There are other people who also do, but... we aren't as close, I guess? Like, we aren't in constant contact. So what I mean is that some people (for example, those who were with me in the cast of the professional show I did) are more valuable to me than the friend that keeps blowing me off, even though that friend has been pretty close for all of high school.

I guess it's really warped... the roles of people in my life.

But I love theatre. And that's always going to be my passion and priority, first and foremost. The opportunity for making friends can be found anywhere. So I'm not going to slow down for it. Frankly, I do not care about friends as much as I care about working towards being able to do something I love. Currently, in my life, those two things are pretty separated, and they may come together at some point, but, if not, that's fine, cause theatre (training, I guess, since that's what I'm currently working on) will always A L W A Y S take priority. I don't care if I have friends. I don't want to depend on friends. I do not need friends to be happy or feel fulfilled. Because for as long as I have my passion, I can be sure of myself.

Maybe I've just never had a good friend. Maybe I ever will. But who cares? Not me.

Mansplaining

Mansplaining: when a man interrupts and belittles a woman during a conversation, allegedly assuming that he knows more about the topic than the woman.

I just watched a collage of short instances in which men interrupted women, and the primary argument of the video was, "Mansplaining needs to stop."

To me, it just looked like men interrupting. Men also interrupt other men. Women also interrupt men (and women alike) but the video did claim that women are more likely to be interrupted.

Interrupting is rude, but is gender the root of this? Maybe I'm just giving the benefit of the doubt, but I would not say that the men in these instances interrupted the women and spoke down to them (which they didn't even, really, they just insisted that they were correct) BECAUSE the person they were talking to was a women.

Of course, I could be incorrect. But I predict that, as many other issues go, this will be carried too far. I predict that, now that this term is coined and catching on, any time a man interrupts a woman will be "mansplaining."

These past few years have seen a lot of taking an issue, attributing it to an only relatively relevant cause, and then blowing it out of proportions to the point that the credibility of the argument is demolished.

The Catch 22

I've been thinking a lot about diversity and representation in theatre, because it is something I want to be an advocate for, but, in order to do that, I must know where I stand... so I've been thinking a lot about it.
And this has been frustrating me endlessly:
If a person is only certified to tell a story that they have experienced, then how could a play still be diverse? It seems like a Catch 22. If a play does not include representation of multiple races, it is critiqued for not being diverse. But if the author writes in characters that are of a different background than themselves, they are critiqued for trying to tell someone else's story.

Is there a way out of this puzzle??

Part

I've been gone for a while and I'm back to complain. Duh.

Okay, when people say "part" instead of "role" (when talking about theatre or film). "She got a 'part' in the play'."

I don't even know where "part" came from, it's, like, demeaning, compared to "role." A second grader playing a blade of grass in the class play gets a "part."

Measures of Life

It's been a while, and I guess that's just because I've ranted mostly to actual people, over text. But then I remembered that I have this. So here goes.

I just heard a fragment of a conversation. A kid (college, of course) was saying - rather passionately - to his friend, "I've lived more than he has. I've lived more, I've BEEN to a party, I've been to MORE THAN A party-"

and then I passed them and didn't hear any more.

But just that. Just that idea that life is measured in parties.

I recognize that the statement doesn't mean that parties mean EVERYTHING in life, but, in my opinion, they certainly hold too much of a high reputation. If you tell someone that, throughout your four years of high school, that you've never been to a party, you most likely will hear something about "missing the college experience." "Live a little."

Everyone talks about who is the life of the party, when they really care more about how the party is their life.

Partying isn't for everyone. I'm not going to speak for everyone, but I am certainly going to speak for myself. I don't drink. Frankly, I like myself way too much to lose myself. (Please do not say I'm being cocky. My confidence has nothing to do with my comparison of myself to other. Please don't get them confused.) And when I socialize, I'd rather do so at full mental capacity WITH people who are at full mental capacity. Also, there are literally so many ways to socialize. You can go get food. You can just hang out. You can do a lot. You know that I don't really socialize much, but that's because it's not one of my top priorities, like, I haven't really found people that I care to give time to.

What I mean is that you can live without partying. You can measure your life in other ways. Measure life in moments you remember, not moments you're going to forget.

Newsies Anniversary Year Two

I saw Newsies on Broadway exactly two years ago. The flame hasn't burned out.

Unnecessary Noises

When I log into my laptop, it makes a little sound to, I guess, acknowledge that I'm logging in.

I don't like it.

Cause when I'm logging in in class or in the morning while my roommate is still asleep (right now) and I forget to put the laptop on mute, it makes the sound and ugh.

Immature Either Way

Adults making jokes referencing sex displays the same immaturity as children making jokes referencing poop.


Though I'd rather not laugh about them, there are certain jokes that reference sex that are, admittedly, witty and well thought-out. However, the bulk of jokes referencing sex are initiated by the train of thought, "I can make this vaguely about sex and then it will be funny!"

It's not funny. The word "sex" is not a free ticket to humor. So don't roll your eyes at children who make a joke implying "you just pooped!" if you make jokes implying "you must have just had sex" (or something of the sort).

It's tactless, thoughtless, and straight up cheap and ineffective humor.

Cookies and Stuff

I'm just gonna put this here

http://thealmondeater.com/2015/07/no-bake-superfood-breakfast-cookies/

http://apple-of-my-eye.com/2014/10/17/baked-chocolate-chip-cookie-oatmeal/

Don't Joke About It

Don't joke about my race. Don't joke about my inclinations with theatre. I wish I could think of a third one just for rhetoric purposes, but I can't think of one. These are the two that I come into contact with far too many times.

Don't joke about these things, because I get that you're kidding, but I'm not.

Especially theatre, don't tell me that I'm wrong when I research the daylights out of a show I'm about to see, don't tell me that I'm wrong when I go to an audition I know I don't have a chance for, don't tell me I'm wrong when I look up to Broadway performers. ESPECIALLY if you aren't even cultured in the current theatre scene... and EVEN MORE ESPECIALLY if you don't know a thing about theatre. I get defensive about these things, because it's my passion, and I don't need someone's light hearted jest to imply that I'm wrong on a subject regarding my opinion on something that occupies a large majority of my efforts.

And don't joke about my race. I know I'm half Asian. But don't stereotype me. Actually, it shouldn't even make sense for me to be placed in a stereotype because I'm half, and there aren't stereotypes for half cause no one really acknowledges us. I NEVER get labeled with a white stereotype, it's always an Asian stereotype. But whatever it is, do not joke about it.

I respect race and theatre far too much to make jokes at it. And if you grind my gears about it, I WILL call you out and I WILL abruptly stop the "for fun" conversation to chew you out on it.

My boundaries are pretty far apart, there's a lot that flies, but these things do not. There are many things I can "take a joke" about, but never these things. Do not try me.

Telling Things

This past weekend I went on a retreat with the church group that I was kinda sorta half-heartedly (not even, more, like, quarter-heartedly) going to.

I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe I was waiting for an event (like a retreat) that would connect me with more people, instead of slowly meeting everyone one by one. Maybe I was waiting to see what it was all really about. I think I was really just waiting for an invitation. And they did that, they offered me invitations to Wednesday night worships and everything, and it wasn't that I wasn't interested, it was just that I didn't really feel motivation.

And now I do. I like these people, and I like what LFC (the group) has to offer. So I've been at the campus center, like, every day this past week, cause there's always someone there.

Last night, someone even made squash and turkey chili and brought it for dinner for whoever happened to be there. Like, this happens all the time.

You know how I've said lots about not really having a desire for friends, right? And by that I mean that I don't really SEEK friendship unless it's something that is worth pursuing. So if someone can be good for me, if I can be good for someone, if we can be good for each other, then that's great. But I'm not gonna go LOOK for that and like spend time on friendships that aren't, like, (this sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a bad way) beneficial.

These people are smart, though. They're funny and kind and accepting and they're good people, and I do want them around and I do want to be around them.

I'll sit down and tell you a lot. I've done that already with most of them, I tell them a lot. It's mostly theatre related stuff. But that's just... you know, I don't mind everyone knowing that. And I feel like I'm a pretty open person, I literally do not think I have any secrets. There's not much about me that I would feel uncomfortable for a stranger to know (besides like where I live and stuff).

But with LFC, I know that I'm gonna be up and personal with them, cause that's just the kind of relationship you need with church friends. But HOW personal? HOW deep am I gonna go? And I surprised myself with this, but... I thought I was open? And now I'm realizing that maybe I'm not as open as I think. Because a LOT of the core emotions inside of me, my ambition, it's all stuff I don't talk about, due to the nature of my dream (theatre). Like, auditions, I don't talk about them. I only told one friend about that audition that I went to earlier. During the entire process of submitting and the callbacks and everything, the only people who knew were that single friend, my family, and my vocal coach. I don't talk about these things. I don't talk about my ambitions, and, if I do, it is because I have already made sure that I most likely won't be able to fail at it, it's mostly already set in stone. And that's because I don't want people to see me fail. I know that I will, but people who don't understand theatre don't get that failure is such a big part of the industry. But, regardless... if people only say the things that I get, they'd be like, "Mia always gets what she goes for, wow." And I want that. It's not really true, but, hey. I'd like that reputation. I don't want people to think I'm perfect or anything, or without failure, but it would be nice for people just to see the positive parts. Maybe I'm being dishonest. I don't think so, at least not yet.

Anyways, I'm just wondering how much I'm going to end up telling them. I don't think I want to be saying much, because they don't understand it, they're not theatre people. There's a specific type of person/friend for those things, and LFC is just not going to be that. And that's okay.

I'm Not Patient.

I think my biggest shortcoming is that I'm not patient.

I start taking dance lessons, I wanna be GOOD. As SOON as I can. I start taking vocal lesson, I wanna be GOOD. As SOON as I can.

But these things take time. And I'm having a hard time settling with that. I think that's good though, maybe I shouldn't settle with it, because I need this drive. I have to have this drive or else I won't do things.

And that's another thing. I need to have something coming up in order to feel motivated. I already said this, but after that audition, I just couldn't focus. I still haven't really gotten it back up, but just today I learned what the summer show next year will be, and I am so ready to go at this hard. I think. I mean, it's something I think I have sort of a chance for... I'm not exactly the right ethnicity, but I am not white and that's emphasized, that the cast members shouldn't really be white. Anyways, some things might go my way, some might not, I need to learn hip hop dance, and that's it. We'll see how it goes. But now I feel more of a drive. I know what I'm working towards.

But that's bad. because I am assigning too much value to these fleeting things. I need to be motivated even when I don't have an audition coming up. And I need to get out and audition more and get rejected more, so that I don't have JUST THIS ONE big audition coming up and that's like the only thing I'm in the run for, so it'll have less of an effect when/if I don't get it.

Anyways, though, that's kind of how I'm wired right now.

But I think that's the one thing I should be working towards. I think. Patience. I haven't figured out if impatience is good or bad for me yet. It sounds bad, because it sounds like it makes me keep letting myself down, falling short of my own expectations, but... I shouldn't lift myself too high, either.

Bad Pickup Lines

My friend is pretty swept off her feet by a guy, and she's telling me about the events of the night unfolding. And I'm coming up with AWFUL pickup lines she should say. Here they are. (For the record, these are just for my records.
It goes her, then me.

Her: IT'S JUST US STUDYING NOW! AAHHHAHAHHHHHAHHAHHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!
Me: turn to him and say "can I study your face"
Her: I aam alughing so hard
Me: "I'm having a really hard time understanding science. Idk can you help me? Can you explain the physics behind your face?"
Her: MIA STOP PLZZ. I am actually attempting my chemistry homework
Me: "I didn't understand what chemistry was until i met you." SAY IT
Her: watching him stare at the screen in deep concentration is killing me I tell you
Me: wave your hand in front of his screen. "Hey. Eyes over here."
Her: MIA I Can't. I'm laughing too hard.... He's curiously looking at meteorology books
Me: say "This is how the weather works: rain falls for the ground. I fall for you." Say that.
Her: lolol he says "A BOOK ABOUT CLOUDS WHAT?"
Me: "It's funny that you're looking at that book because when I'm with you, my head is in the clouds." Now draw a head on the clouds and look at him meaningfully.
Her: At the beginning we were standing on the opposite sides of the elevator each floor we went up but by the end, we were standing right next to each other.
Me: standing at opposite sides, you should have said "...opposites attract"
Her: and we looked at maps...
Me: you shoulda said "you must be good at maps because you navigated the one to my heart"
Her: We had rubber band wars
Me: aww cute but painful. you shoulda said "ow that one hurt. but love hurts."
Her: we were breathing on each other at one point and I was like "IDK WHAT TO DO."
Me: you shoulda said... "you're breathtaking."


I like that last one the best.Stay posted.

It's Not Goodbye Though

There's this show that recently closed at my university, and all of the cast is posting closing show statuses.

Y'all. You go to the same school. You'll see each other again. Like, every day. Still.

I get that "it won't be the same because we won't have this show anymore" but come ON, you still have these people, and I promise you, it wasn't the SHOW that you'll miss (or else you won't be posting about how you're "so grateful for all these beautiful, talented, extraordinary, inspiring people"), it's the PEOPLE, who you're going to STILL HAVE AROUND YOU because you GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL AND ARE IN THE SAME DEPARTMENT.

I'm all for post-show cast-missing blues, but only if the cast is like legit splitting up because they have actual individual lives to lead.

I'm such a theatre Scrooge.

Thanks for Your Incorrect Input

I just showed someone a photo of what I imagine one of my characters from one of my plays to look like. And they said that it didn't look like my character. They told me what was wrong with it.

Excuse me?

Did you write this play or did I? Did I create this character and know her inside and out? I did. So get out with telling me this isn't what she looks like.

Adult

Every college kid on social media:

*mentions something they did that was particularly childlike* *says something about how "adult" they are*

*mentions something they did that was particularly mature* *says something about how "adult" they are*

It's some joke that being an adult is wow so new! wow so different! wow I thought I'd have it down by now but I still don't know what I'm doing! adult! adult! adult!!

Like, chill. If it even was a joke in the first place, you're running it down.

No one expects adults to know everything. And if you're 18 or older, yeah, you're an adult, it shouldn't be a surprise.

Maybe this irritates me because I don't give much to age. A fourteen year old could be more mature than a forty year old. Age doesn't really matter that much, it just all depends on who you are and what you do with it.

Also, maybe it irritates me because it's lowkey humble brag. "I'm an ADULT now look at ME!" Okay it's not a surprise you literally had 17 entire years of knowing that once you turned 18 you could start calling yourself and adult and guess what that goes for everyone so you're not special and you don't need to tell everyone about how your life is different from when you were a child.

Y'all - just stop putting so much weight on "adult" and what it means and the fact that you are one. Stop pushing a societal joke that's not even funny,

Food Alone? Food with Friends?

As I was walking to put the plates on the conveyor belt to be washed, I walked by my roommate at a table with her friend. She waved and I smiled (hands were full) but it was a little weird because I feel like I was caught doing things alone. Which I always do.

Okay, the thing is, I'm definitely more than okay doing things and going places on my own. It's just that I don't like that being alone usually generates pity, or the idea that someone who is alone is alone because they are not able to have friends or socialize.

That's not the case with me. If I wanted to, I could have lots of friends, hang out in friend's dorm rooms all day, wait for a friend to go with me to the cafeteria... but I don't have time for that. I'm really fine on my own, and I like to be by myself because I don't have to depend on anyone else and no one else has to depend on me (that gives a little bit of pressure).

So I'd rather not be seen while I'm out and about by myself just cause me being alone isn't what it looks like. I don't slow down for others. If someone wants to run with, that's cool, come along, but I'm not going to wait and I'm not going to adapt. I don't compromise, cause it's not worth it.

Really Good Food

I'm just gonna talk about lunch today. Lunch was so good.

I never eat from the cooked food line because the healthiness of that food is sketchy and unpredictable, and there's usually a line. I always get salad (lettuce, with grape tomatoes, black olives, and those black and white mushrooms - those things in clumps on the side so not ON the lettuce, and then I drizzle some ranch dressing across the lettuce, scatter some sunflower seeds, and then sprinkle black sesame seeds over the top... it's gorgeous) and sometimes soup and then sometimes a bowl of vegetables. I didn't get soup today, but there was edamame (!!) and I got a bowl of black beans, peas, and EDAMAME. Edamame is so good. It's SO good. I got so much. It's so good. I was so happy. Wow. Edamame. Wow.

That is all.

I KNOW OKAY

Someone just tried to tell me that most play have "like five" characters.

That's after I said a cast of ten is the largest I would direct. They said "ten seems like a lot" CAN YOU NOT OKAY LIKE (this person is not a theatre person btw) IT IS NOT YOU WHO HAS LOOKED AT AN INSANE AMOUNT OF PLAY HONESTLY WHO ARE YOU TO BE TELLING ME HOW MANY CHARACTERS A PLAY USUALLY HAS

I'm not stupid.

I Know.

75% of this blog is me complaining about things other people do.

I really really do not appreciate when someone tries to tell me things I already know. Like if I say, "I'm looking for a play to potentially direct" and they say "well if you ask me, I think you should choose something you really like."
Um
DUH?

Like.. okay wow I already know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a play with 6-10 characters all aged between 16-25, not double cast, with minimal set, and with no distinct race (because I don't have the resources to properly execute a play that requires actors of specific ethnicity). And the play has to have a very distinct voice and the ability to be pitched well.

It's not even just this. It's a lot of stuff.

"I'm moving towards a double major." "Oh then you should like probably talk to the advisers sometime soon because they're really picky about letting people in." Thanks for the information, I applied and auditioned five months ago, I've been talking to the adviser since the first day of school, I'm taking 18 hours this semester (6 of them being Theatre courses required for the major) so PLEASE do not tell me how you think I should go about this.

The thing is, I won't mention something to you unless I'm basically sure I've got it set. If I say I'm working on writing a play, chances are I'm already done with it. I don't tell people about the things I'm in the middle of.

So if I mention it to you, I've got it under control. So don't tell me how to do it CAUSE CHANCES ARE, I'VE ALREADY DONE IT.

Frenemies

What I've noticed is that sometimes I kind of intensely dislike people for seemingly no reason at all. I mean, I'm not rude or anything to them, I just don't really interact with them because something inside of me is not enthusiastic about spending any more time than I have to in their presence.
Wow that sounds bad.
Okay it's not that intense.
But, come on, you CANNOT lie, there are always occasionally people you just don't really like. There's gotta be. Their mannerisms just make you itch.

But I've also noticed that, many times, these people end up falling onto my path and we end up being friends. It's really strange. Lots of times I think, "...I don't have a good feeling about this person. We're probably going to have to be friends sometime in the near future."
And then something will happen, we'll be put in the same group together or a mutual friend will introduce us, and then it just... we're friends. And usually the better of friends.

Maybe it's just that I'm initially opposed to people who remind me of me.
Or maybe that's a completely different train of thought. Either way, it is true, I think that when someone reminds me of myself, I inevitably resist.

What Am I Doing

Honestly, ever since this past weekend, I just haven't really been up to it.
For the last month or so, in preparation for my callbacks, I would go to the gym every day, count every calorie, practice tap every day (all the way across campus in the Rec center), and practice singing every day in the music building, even though it terrified me because I'm still not confident with my voice.

But now that there's nothing really to work towards, I'm... just really not up for it.
I guess I'm propelled by "the next thing", you know, what I'm working towards next. And I don't know what that is right now. I should follow my own advice and realize that a work in progress is also a destination (as long as you keep working), but it's kind of hard to really lock in.

It's not that I'm letting myself loose, it's just that I had been holding myself so tight up until the callbacks, really, I worked so hard, and now it's just... more normal, I guess.

I need a reason to get back into doing things hardcore, but it's just not here right now. Because all of that hard work was geared towards those callbacks, and I need to learn what it means to work hard for things in general so that I'll be ready for whatever shows up.

But that's all. That's just what's going on, and I kind of wanted to shout it out.

Drowning

Y'all, I have a stat exam coming up in a couple of hours. And I'm not even really thinking about it (I'm about to do some final studying) but man....

I'm working on stuff for my internship and it's just ahhh drowning in phone numbers and spreadsheets and it's not hard work, just a LOT OF PEOPLE TO CALL. I'm making reservations for children's shows (I'm an intern for a children's theatre company) and it's just so much calling schools, putting together prices for them and entering their reservations.
It's not hard.
It's just that I'm supposed to be an advertising intern and this is a lot more of general work, but I guess it's okay, because I'm getting experience SOMEWHERE. It's just that it's not really my area of interest, and I'm kinda like drownninggggggg in this sea of numbers I'm supposed to call.

Missed the Point

Y'all, I'm dumb.
I've thought a lot of things as this night has progressed, but I'm lowkey disappointed that I haven't thought this yet: it's okay... because this isn't something that God wanted to happen. This ENTIRE time I've been praying, "God, if you want this, take it, let me get it, and, if not, that's okay, I'll be okay, it's not mine anyways." It was never mine to begin with. God didn't make it happen, so He didn't want it. He's got something else planned. Whatever that is, it's probably not as big and probably not as grand (at least, in my eyes) but it's something He has planned, and that's cool. That's the best, actually.

But the point is, I need to not be feeling bad about not getting it. GOD DIDN'T WANT IT. THAT'S OKAY. That has been the agreement from day one. sO iT's aLL gOoD, iT's aLL GoD.

The End

This is probably going to be long.
So that dance call was today. I took a couple of dance classes early in the day (one in which I was the only one who actually could pick up the choreo, mostly because everyone was beginner, and one in which I totally bombed it cause everyone else was so good) to get myself warmed up and used to dancing with strangers and picking up choreography quickly with a group.
The dance call was supposed to start at 4:30pm, and I got there at 4:00pm, and there were some people outside, so I kinda somehow assumed that they were just chillin and the doors hadn't been opened yet. Yeah I was real wrong, cause the building was, like, packed with people and the people outside were only there because they didn't want to be inside. As soon as I realized this, I went inside and checked in and started stretching like everyone else. But the acting callbacks were going on inside, and they didn't get us dancers in until a little after 5:00pm.
There were, like, sixty to seventy people. Which was way more than I expected. I had guessed that there would be maybe about thirty, because at the callbacks, I was there for like twenty minutes and only saw about five other people. I don't know where everyone came from. Anyways, the choreographer taught us the dance in literally legit like five minutes and a lot of people (me included) were kind of freaking out because it was so MUCH. Then he had everyone stand at the side of the room and he called people up three at a time to do the dance in that group in front of everyone.
Whoa.
At the only other dance call I went to (where there were about thirty people), we spent much more time learning the dance, and we did it in groups of four or five.
So I was high key freaking out and I couldn't remember the dance, it was so fast, but I actually was really lucky that I got called in one of the last groups, and, by that time, just by watching everyone else, I had it down.
I did well. I didn't have to look to anyone for the next moves, I had the choreo down and maybe I was executing it in a fantastically perfect way, but I GOT THE MOVES which was way more than I thought I would be able to do. And I remembered to smile, I looked like I was having fun. At that point, I wasn't even nervous, I was actually kind of excited to be dancing in front of the choreographer with everyone to the side watching. Everyone watching was very supportive of everyone, so it was a good environment. Basically, I did the dance and hit the movements right and smiled big and that was my best. I don't think that, at this point with the skills I currently have, I was able to do better than I did.
For some groups, the choreographer asked the people to do pirouettes (or other things I guess they've noted on their resume) and he did this for maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the groups, but he didn't for mine.
Then, when everyone had danced, the choreographer and the director spoke privately before coming back with a list of people they wanted to see tap.
I kind of thought maybe I would be on the list, but I wasn't. So I didn't get this show.
Wow. There were just so many people that, for them to notice you, you had to be so good. The people who were chosen were either just very good, or I wasn't paying attention so I don't know how good they were, or they've been in shows at the theatre before. (Which I have, but not as prominently.) Basically, they got their tap shoes on and immediately started learning the next cut.
So wow. I'm feeling a lot of things. Honestly, this particular show isn't one of my favorites and I find it pretty boring, but I could get into it if I was cast in it, you know? The ensemble doesn't do much and it's not really high energy either (except for a couple of numbers, one of which has always held a very specific appeal to me) so it's not like I just lost my dream role.
I think it's just because of this theatre. I've auditioned for them once, and I got that show, and it was a little bit of a different situation, because I was in the youth ensemble. But I haven't ever been rejected by the theatre before, and I consider it home, and it just kind of almost hurts a little bit. Though, honestly, I have never really really thought I could truly be cast in this. Of course, I had my hopes, and I definitely wanted it, but it always seemed lost before I had a chance to pursue it.
I've worked very hard with this show in my mind. It's what finally pushed me to get voice lessons, take dance classes, and I go practice singing, I go work out, I practice tap every day because of it. And I didn't even get to tap for them. I have only told one friend about my auditioning, but every day I've been dreaming of how I would announce to everyone that I was going to be in this show.
Ever since the casting call came out, there has not been a day in which I have not thought about this show. I came up with a lot of things that I would do if I got cast in it. But I guess that all of these things, I can do with any show. I'll get one when it's right.
I have the rest of my life. I'm eighteen. I dream too big for my own good. But, you know, sometimes I get it. It's just that this time I didn't.
I'm proud of myself, though. I was the only freshman from my university out there tonight. And even though there was a handful of high schoolers, that doesn't matter, like, I'm the only freshman at my school who knew of this opportunity, took it, and got this far.
I'd say the average age of the people there tonight was about 24. I danced with the big fish, and I'm not even a big fish yet. Imagine what I'll be able to do when I am one!
I'll have to train. I've just realized how behind I am. But I can do this. I have to do this. Once I'm at a certain level, I'll be good, I think, basically.

But also, recently, I've been eating really healthy and working out almost every day, and I had this show in mind, because I would have to be really fit for it (and mostly for auditions, for now) but now that it's not even in the question anymore, I don't feel like I have the motivation anymore. But we'll see.

Okay, I think that's why I'm STILL feeling so down even after I admitted that I don't really care too much about not getting this particular SHOW. I think it's because it's basically been my motivation for the bulk of what I've been doing. And now that it's gone, I don't know where my motivation is anymore. But I'll have to find it, because I can't afford to stop.

Losing this show has spun my entire perspective. But I'll be piecing it back together. I'll just do the things I need to do, and someday.... someday it'll all come full circle.

Free College Education

Many people are arguing for taxes helping pay for college educations. Many people are COMPLETELY AGAINST IT.
The people that say "these kids are their own problem" did not have to pay thousands upon thousands for college. It wasn't this expensive back then.
Also, THEIR generation is the one that made it absolutely imperative for someone to have degrees - sometimes more than one - to even stand a chance at getting hired. The way it has become in the last couple of decades, you can rarely get a job without proper education. That is not the fault of young adults. Young adults go to college because of the standards that have been raised by the current middle aged generation.

I've heard the arguments, "But I didn't choose for this college kid to go pursue a degree that isn't relevant enough to get them an actual useful job for them to pay their loans with." First of all, I wonder if these people know exactly how much student loans cost. There are very few degrees that will provide a young adult with the privilege of easily paying them off.

But the thing is, people go to college to get education that they will use in their workfield, and their workfield is probably going towards making advancements to help the society. It could be creating innovative technology, more efficient machines, inventing medical cures, etc. College does not end at college. Helping pitch in to pay for college tuition goes towards empowering the generation to become more educated, more innovative, and more equipped to create new advancements with the purpose of aiding society.

The fact is, college is hard. Paying for college is hard for young adults to do. The words, "I'm not going to college" receive a negative connotation, so, middle aged generation, please do not complain about young adults choosing to pursue the education that you made necessary.

Latest Post

The latest post was written because I had to, and I didn't want to write it by hand because that takes a long time, and I wanted to have it concretely somewhere.

It's not for you.

Dear God...

Dear God... this is crazy. I can't even believe you did this. How you continue to make the impossible happen, I'll never know. But the further I get in this, the harder it is to remember that this is yours. I feel accomplishment, and that's good, but I can't let it get in the way of understanding that I agreed that this doesn't belong to me, it was for you from the start. It's incredible, I've gotten so much further than I would have on my own.
But this is for you. You let me do this. You gave me the newfound bit of confidence, just enough to push me to being good enough for today. You gave me the privilege of walking into the room and there being someone to greet me with a hug and good conversation. It's all from you, honestly, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it. I guess that's because I don't. I haven't worked hard enough to get what I get. It doesn't matter how I think of it, it just doesn't add up, and the only explanation is your greatness and grace.
It's been for you every step of the way, and if I make it through the end, it will be so for you. It's not something I could do on my own, and it's only right that I give you the glory. And I know that I don't feel that 100%, and I think it's that I'm trying to detach myself from it (because it's not mine anyways) or maybe it's because I just really don't think I'll even have to make the choice to give the glory of the end to you. I'll be honest, I'm not really sure I'll have the strength to hand it all to you. But I know that, with your help, it shouldn't and won't be a problem. I don't even know if I can give what I promise, but I'll PROMISE that I'll give you what I can.
This isn't something you need. No matter who gets cast, it's going to be your children, and you don't need for it to be me. But if you do make it me, I'll do my best and I'll try my hardest to be a light for you. I've been your vessel all this way, and it only makes sense that I carry that out.
But I'll need your help. I don't have any doubt that you'll be with me every single step and second, but I doubt my own ability to give it to you in the fullest. I'll forget. I'll get too wrapped up in it. I'll get scared. I'll get ashamed. I'll get too cautious. I'm not strong enough for this. But if you can bring me to the point at which I am tested, that alone will be proof that your strength is enough to reinforce mine.
We're a team, yeah? We're in this together, I'm doing the things here and you're doing all the other big things that I'll never even know about. I'll never even KNOW what you made happen in order for this all to fall into place. I'll never know, but I thank you endlessly.
Thank you. This has been more than I could have asked for. This has been a true lesson in discipline with the craft and a close examination of what I'm here to do and what you send me out to do.
I don't know what's next. I don't even know what I would choose if you gave me the choice to dictate the future. I want you to do that. Whatever it is, just do it, whatever you need me to do to fulfill your plan, because what you have in mind for me is far more incredible than anything I could ever dream up. I trust you. I might not like it sometimes, but this isn't even about me. I'll just have to get over myself so that I can wholeheartedly serve you wherever I am, and so I can put my absolute best foot forward in whatever situation you place me in.
Do what you want. After all, it's really all yours. Thank you again, thank you... I'm in a state of middle ground where I KNOW that I don't completely understand everything that has happened, is happening, and is going to happen.
But I do know that it's okay that I don't understand completely. You're with me, for as long as I'm with you... and even after.
We'll do this. Stay with me. I'm following you.

Glory to You today and always.

Dance Dance Dance

Okay, I just did my callback audition. I was kinda flippin out, because I know that usually the theatre schedules two people for each five minutes, and they were supposed to be seeing callbacks for three and a half hours, so I was thinking that maybe 84 people were going to be there. I thought that the entire hallway would be full of people I know and was about to embarrass myself in front of.
But actually there were like three people there. Actually NO one was there when I arrived, and a few people came in after me. It was really chill. I actually lowkey messed up lyrics, but like when do I not, to be honest. I sat outside and the audition runner said she'd go in and ask if they wanted me to stay to read lines, which I didn't think they'd have me do. They didn't. They asked me to come back in on Saturday for the dance call. So I'll be doing that.

Tech and Social Media

Before I start, I'm going to explain the word choice in my first sentence a little bit more. I use "Americans" because it is is the culture and society that I am living in now, and I realize that the perspectives that I am about to share my opinion over exist in different parts of the world. However, I originally wrote "the majority of the population" and that's not exactly right, because it's incorrect that the MAJORITY of the world has access to technology and social media. So that is why I chose "Americans"... it's the most specific and correct I could be.
Here we go.



The majority of Americans are on social media, and the majority of Americans like to scream, "Everyone's always on their phones, it's so sad, no one has a real life, it's just all on the screen." But I'd like to argue that that is only a problem to a specific degree. It's easy and relatively trendy to pout about how sad it is that everyone lives their life online (I'm having difficulty writing this sentence because I'm not even entirely sure what their argument is and what they support their opinion with.)

But here are some of my thoughts on this subject:

1. Internet presence does not strip someone of their humanity or the fact that they are a real person.

2. The internet allows people to break through the barriers of long distance, enabling us to interact with residents of other nations directly, providing the ability to dispel misconceptions and create friendships where world leaders do not.

Bread Bowl

"I get this feeling in my stomach... that feels like it's full of, like... saturated bread. It feels like someone put a bread bowl in my stomach." - My Roommate

More Annoying Actors

I almost feel either bad or hypocritical for bashing all the annoying actors out there.

But here's more.

Pick ANY musical theatre song and there WILL BE MULTIPLE comments of, "My school is doing this show and I'm playing -lead character-!"

Like, cool, bro. Yeah. These shows are performed, that's kind of how it works.
But I promise you no one on YouTube cares.

I have this one comment that's gotten relatively popular (not to my credit, it was just a joke, and the joke wasn't even mine), and it's about Peter Pan, and this girl just commented, "My school just did Peter Pan, and I was Wendy hahaha"

okay I literally do not care, everyone else literally does not care, and Wendy is irrelevant as your comment because the joke didn't even mention her anyways.

daily(life)style

I've been thinking lots recently about how daily life and lifestyle changes so much. Even within the past few months (in which I have started college) it has changed many times.

I guess at the beginning of the semester, I would study, but sometimes with friends, and that's the thing, I had a group of friends in my dorm, including my roommate, and I would get upset when a friend would just come into our room and stay for a long time because that was distracting. I used to lock the doors even when I was in my room, just so they couldn't get in when I needed to get things done, but now I don't even have to worry about it. At the VERY beginning of the semester until a couple of weeks in, I would pretend to be asleep until my roommate left for class, then the SECOND the door closed, I would jump out of bed and start my day.

Then I think I just got really busy with school work, even though my relatively vigorous studying faded pretty quickly and early on in the semester. A lot of last semester was me (already kind of by myself, I didn't feel like hanging out with friends) either trying to convince myself to study, studying, or reading plays. Or doing really strange attempts at ballet, cause I wanted to learn but hadn't started classes. I did a lot of that, practicing basic ballet exercises alone in my room for a long time.
But when I started classes, I kind of knew more what to do. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced plies and pirouettes.

But, mostly, my life consisted of trying to study and reading plays.

This semester, it's a bit different. I'm taking three dance classes a week, I actually ride the bus everywhere (last semester I was so skeptical of the bus and riding at night wasn't even an option for me... as if I rode in the daytime.... I definitely did not). I take voice lessons, so once a week I'm up early and on the bus because it's a 40 minute bus ride to my teacher and I need my lesson to be early enough for me to get back in time for class. And I have a bike now, I ride it across campus. And now that I actually am learning tap, I usually have my tap shoes in my backpack, along with my voice song book and a play I want to eventually direct, and I'm in the process of analyzing it and living and breathing it so that I will be entirely familiar with it, enough to direct eventually. Anyways, when I head out - especially when I'm on my bike - I don't really know where exactly I'll hit before coming back home. I usually stop by the rec center to practice tap, or I'll go to the fine arts library or wherever else to work on the play, or I'll sneak into a practice room in the music building to practice vocal warmups. I'm still way too insecure about my voice to really practice as focused as I with I could, but it's just this mentality thing and I'm working on it. The practice rooms are only for music majors, but no one has stopped me yet. And thank goodness, it's my only option. If it's late, like after about 8:00pm, I might go to the theatre building and see if a dance studio there is open. Usually, you can only go in if you're a major and if you reserve the space 48 hours in advance with a staff signature for approval, but when the office is closed and there's no one else in the building, no one can see me tap dance.

But then I also study. I have to, I'm taking 18 hours this semester (for reasons relating to my hopeful double majoring). So I'm either in class, studying, or practicing refining my performing/artistic skills. I feel like a little wanderer, slipping into places where there's leftover time and leftover space. And no one knows I do it, I think. I slip in the cracks. No one sees me now, no one will see me coming, but that'll only be because they never looked.

Auditions

This might just be a personal thing, but I don't tell people about auditions I go out to. (Okay, I know I definitely wrote about my audition like a month ago, but that's because this blog is for me and no one else reads it.)

But my mom told her friends. And her friends have been asking me, "How did your audition go?" and she even told everyone that I got a callback, so they're asking how that went (it hasn't happened yet) and I usually respond with an instinctual saltiness, just because it's a, "are you kidding, my mom told YOU too??" Like... it's my deal, and my deal only. I think my mom mentions it to others so that they can pray that for me, that they go well, but... I mean, even I'M not praying to God that they go well, because I'm praying, "If I get this, God, it's yours, I'll do it for your glory because the only way this will happen is by your works, and if this isn't something you want, then that's okay."

I appreciate the effort... kinda... I appreciate that there IS effort going into helping me, like, do well, and I guess I don't want to slam it just for the fact that it comes form a different mindset than mine. I mean, people can pray all they want about my auditions, but I've chosen to give it all to God, because, honestly, what do I know? .....what do I know.

Anyways. I don't even tell my friends about my auditions, except for Nya, she's been my acting buddy from day one. I don't really audition for film anymore, but when I did, we'd go out for the same roles (haha she would always get them though) and we really understand each other because we're both biracial actors pounding the pavement to break into this industry. So I told her about the audition and callback (also she's integrated into this theatre's community as well, I'm not sure if I would keep her updated if she wasn't, but she's relevant), but I'm not telling even my other closest friends. I do this because I don't like people to know when I don't get things. It's partially because other people don't understand that, as an actor, you really don't get much at all of what you audition for, and other people just don't know what to say when they hear that you didn't get it. They try to, like, CONSOLE you and it's like - no - just - stop, you're making this bad when it wasn't bad in the first place. And, also, why let them see your failures? I know it's not very transparent of me, but I like to keep things under wraps until they are perfect and ready to be revealed. It doesn't hurt to say a little bit less about what I'm doing, and it makes me look like I achieve everything I try for (which isn't the case, but, hey, again, it doesn't hurt to have people think that... if they do think it).

I just think it's common courtesy not to talk about your auditions. It's your deal, and also, for big film productions, you're generally asked not to speak about the auditions because the production company doesn't want word out that they're creating and casting for something. It's all very hush-hush. So it's really, REALLY courtesy to keep it quiet, because these productions, they're more than you.

I write this post for two reasons:
1) to kind of vent about how irritated I am that all of my mom's friends know that I have a callback coming up, like they're GONNA keep asking, and if I don't get it, I'll have to tell them that, and if I get it, I'm still going to take a while before I let people know (you aren't supposed to announce your cast placement until the theatre either gives you a green light about announcements or they announce the cast themselves) so I'll have to lie to them and say I haven't heard back yet, or something. I mean, I could say that I'm not allowed to tell, but that implies that I got it, and then they'd know. Honestly, maybe - if I get it - I just won't even tell my parents, I'll just tell Nya, until I'm allowed to tell EVERYONE because I know that if I tell my mom, she's going to tell everyone and I can't have that!! I need to contain information. Okay, and, after all, this is my deal, and I think that I should have the rights to who knows about these things. I'd rather personally tell my friends (which will still take me a while to do, because the whole thing about having to wait) before it gets all leaked to my mom's friends. Ugh. I just don't like that everybody knows my stuff, and it wasn't even my choice.
2) to lowkey complain about friends talk about auditions on facebook... I guess, mostly, this one who really talks about it a lot. Like... what do you think you are. No, like... you're supposed to talk about the final product. "Hahaha just got a callback for a yoga studio commercial even though I don't do yoga" okay well you know what would be more impressive? When you lowkey post the completed commercial. If you even book it. It's kind of embarrassing to be an actor who everyone knows always goes out for audition, but no one hears of or sees any final product.

Like, y'all. Just don't talk about it. Anyone can audition for something. It's just a select few who actually get cast, and, until that's you, you aren't special.