This is probably going to be long.
So that dance call was today. I took a couple of dance classes early in the day (one in which I was the only one who actually could pick up the choreo, mostly because everyone was beginner, and one in which I totally bombed it cause everyone else was so good) to get myself warmed up and used to dancing with strangers and picking up choreography quickly with a group.
The dance call was supposed to start at 4:30pm, and I got there at 4:00pm, and there were some people outside, so I kinda somehow assumed that they were just chillin and the doors hadn't been opened yet. Yeah I was real wrong, cause the building was, like, packed with people and the people outside were only there because they didn't want to be inside. As soon as I realized this, I went inside and checked in and started stretching like everyone else. But the acting callbacks were going on inside, and they didn't get us dancers in until a little after 5:00pm.
There were, like, sixty to seventy people. Which was way more than I expected. I had guessed that there would be maybe about thirty, because at the callbacks, I was there for like twenty minutes and only saw about five other people. I don't know where everyone came from. Anyways, the choreographer taught us the dance in literally legit like five minutes and a lot of people (me included) were kind of freaking out because it was so MUCH. Then he had everyone stand at the side of the room and he called people up three at a time to do the dance in that group in front of everyone.
Whoa.
At the only other dance call I went to (where there were about thirty people), we spent much more time learning the dance, and we did it in groups of four or five.
So I was high key freaking out and I couldn't remember the dance, it was so fast, but I actually was really lucky that I got called in one of the last groups, and, by that time, just by watching everyone else, I had it down.
I did well. I didn't have to look to anyone for the next moves, I had the choreo down and maybe I was executing it in a fantastically perfect way, but I GOT THE MOVES which was way more than I thought I would be able to do. And I remembered to smile, I looked like I was having fun. At that point, I wasn't even nervous, I was actually kind of excited to be dancing in front of the choreographer with everyone to the side watching. Everyone watching was very supportive of everyone, so it was a good environment. Basically, I did the dance and hit the movements right and smiled big and that was my best. I don't think that, at this point with the skills I currently have, I was able to do better than I did.
For some groups, the choreographer asked the people to do pirouettes (or other things I guess they've noted on their resume) and he did this for maybe 1/3 to 1/4 of the groups, but he didn't for mine.
Then, when everyone had danced, the choreographer and the director spoke privately before coming back with a list of people they wanted to see tap.
I kind of thought maybe I would be on the list, but I wasn't. So I didn't get this show.
Wow. There were just so many people that, for them to notice you, you had to be so good. The people who were chosen were either just very good, or I wasn't paying attention so I don't know how good they were, or they've been in shows at the theatre before. (Which I have, but not as prominently.) Basically, they got their tap shoes on and immediately started learning the next cut.
So wow. I'm feeling a lot of things. Honestly, this particular show isn't one of my favorites and I find it pretty boring, but I could get into it if I was cast in it, you know? The ensemble doesn't do much and it's not really high energy either (except for a couple of numbers, one of which has always held a very specific appeal to me) so it's not like I just lost my dream role.
I think it's just because of this theatre. I've auditioned for them once, and I got that show, and it was a little bit of a different situation, because I was in the youth ensemble. But I haven't ever been rejected by the theatre before, and I consider it home, and it just kind of almost hurts a little bit. Though, honestly, I have never really really thought I could truly be cast in this. Of course, I had my hopes, and I definitely wanted it, but it always seemed lost before I had a chance to pursue it.
I've worked very hard with this show in my mind. It's what finally pushed me to get voice lessons, take dance classes, and I go practice singing, I go work out, I practice tap every day because of it. And I didn't even get to tap for them. I have only told one friend about my auditioning, but every day I've been dreaming of how I would announce to everyone that I was going to be in this show.
Ever since the casting call came out, there has not been a day in which I have not thought about this show. I came up with a lot of things that I would do if I got cast in it. But I guess that all of these things, I can do with any show. I'll get one when it's right.
I have the rest of my life. I'm eighteen. I dream too big for my own good. But, you know, sometimes I get it. It's just that this time I didn't.
I'm proud of myself, though. I was the only freshman from my university out there tonight. And even though there was a handful of high schoolers, that doesn't matter, like, I'm the only freshman at my school who knew of this opportunity, took it, and got this far.
I'd say the average age of the people there tonight was about 24. I danced with the big fish, and I'm not even a big fish yet. Imagine what I'll be able to do when I am one!
I'll have to train. I've just realized how behind I am. But I can do this. I have to do this. Once I'm at a certain level, I'll be good, I think, basically.
But also, recently, I've been eating really healthy and working out almost every day, and I had this show in mind, because I would have to be really fit for it (and mostly for auditions, for now) but now that it's not even in the question anymore, I don't feel like I have the motivation anymore. But we'll see.
Okay, I think that's why I'm STILL feeling so down even after I admitted that I don't really care too much about not getting this particular SHOW. I think it's because it's basically been my motivation for the bulk of what I've been doing. And now that it's gone, I don't know where my motivation is anymore. But I'll have to find it, because I can't afford to stop.
Losing this show has spun my entire perspective. But I'll be piecing it back together. I'll just do the things I need to do, and someday.... someday it'll all come full circle.
