The very first day of classes in college, I got back to my dorm and was feeling really, really defeated. I think it was because I was really tired of going to all these events, meeting people, and then not seeing them again.
The night before classes started, they had this freshman rally thing that everyone had to go to. Afterwards, I lost track of the people I had been with most of the evening, and I somehow ended up in conversation with some random girl as we walked back in the direction of the dorms. I think she started the conversation, but I'm not entirely sure, because I was up to meeting new people as well.
It was dark and I don't think I even saw her face, like, I have no idea what she looked like, and I forgot her name, too. Part of me tells me she was an RTF major, and part of me tells me that she absolutely was not that.
Either way, the first week of being at college was just a lot of events that were full of trying to meet people. But the thing was... I never saw any of those people again. There's not really any reason to continue a friendship, it's just so forced, and... it doesn't work out for anyone, really.
So after my classes on my first day of college, I remember being incredibly defeated. I really missed having friends around (which is the norm in high school). I was just really sad.
But here I am, after my classes on my first day of second semester, and I'm alone in my room eating an apple and writing this blog post. I'm fine.
I think the first and most prominent thing that college taught me was how to be alone. I've never had a fear of not fitting in, or a desire to always be with people. Usually, I've been like, "I'm going to this place, if y'all want to come, then that's great, I'll appreciate your company, but whether or not you're going, I'm going to go." I guess I'm independent. But I never really got to be independent until now, and what I mean by "independent" is by myself. I don't want to say alone, because I feel like that implies a negative connotation. Most people are afraid of "alone." Most people aren't "alone" by choice.
I don't think I even really have friends here. My grandmother asked me if I have "a lot of good friends at college" and I said, "No, not a lot of good friends" and she said, "Then a small amount of good friends? That's good too."
I didn't correct her, but I didn't mean that.
I'm completely okay with not having many friends right now, because I kind of feel like I don't have the time for them, and also I feel like you meet your people when you do. The best friendships happen, they're brought together by destiny, and there's no use actively trying to find them.
I spend a lot of time on my own. I'm in my dorm room or at the fine arts library (not studying, reading and checking out plays) or just wherever I feel like being. But I'm rarely with anyone else. And I prefer that. When the day comes that I am not okay with it, I'll change it.
But, for now, I know what I need to be doing, and that comes first. I'll patiently and happily wait for whatever - and whoever - is soon to come.
