How Astronomy Ended

Hmmm soo.....
I didn't get that A in Astronomy.
There was this project that I got a 4/5 on.
Also, remember how I said if I did that homework I would only need a 62/80 (or something like that) on the next exam? So I got a 63/80 on it, and, basically, if I had gotten a 5/5 on that project, I would be have been SO mad because I would have had like an 88 in the class, which means if I did the homework what one day, I would have gotten an A.

So I missed an A by like a three points, wow. Ugh it's all stuff I completely could have fixed. And it's a little strange that I'd rather have an 87 in this class than have an 88 because (it's the same letter grade anyways) I would have been so angry at myself for not doing that homework.
I mean, I still am. I am still completely in shock about how much weight that held. What even.

Do your homework, kids.

No Idea

I hear it so much, especially being at college.

"I have no idea what I want to do."

That means you don't want to do anything.

Because if you wanted to do it, you'd know.

(But I don't mean you won't find anything. You might find it soon, and you might actually just "want to do it", you might not have passion for it, but you'll be satisfied. And that's fine, as long as you think it's fine.)

(This was really scattered.)

(I might write a more detailed, eloquent post about it later.)

The Years I Didn't Use

So if you dig a little deeper into the early, early years of my blog, you could probably infer that I used to dance. I wouldn’t even say “used” to dance because I still do (more about that in a minute), like, I’m actually at a dance studio right now, waiting for it to be time for class.

But what I mean is that my mom owns a dance company, it’s Chinese traditional dance, which is so different from any other type of dance. I always say that “it’s a cross between ballet and martial arts”, which it is, but there’s more to that. There’s just not a way to describe a style, it’s like trying to describe color. The words that you could use actually don’t describe it at all. And that’s the thing about art, you need it because nothing else will speak for it.

So I grew up doing Chinese traditional dance. My mom says she started me when I was two, which is really crazy because you start remembering things at three, so I don’t remember. I have this one memory in which I had not started dancing yet, but, other than that, I’ve been dancing for as long as I can remember. It’s really just what I did. It was like… it was most integrated into my system than going to school. Cause school started in, you know, preschool or whenever, like I remember my first day of preschool. I was a kid. But I started dance when I was at the earliest stage of toddlerhood.

But it never really was anything to me. I did it because my mom was the director, I was expected to, and all throughout my entire life (even now), people have asked me, “Do you still dance?” And when they say that, of course they’re talking about dancing at my mom’s studio. So yes, I still danced. How could I not?

Honestly, most of the time, I just danced because I didn’t have the heart to make my mom a dance director whose own child quit dance. I didn’t hate dance enough to do that. I tolerated it, I did all the motions, but I just DID them. I didn’t understand that that’s not all. Doing the motions isn’t all that comes with dance. I even hesitate to say that you COULD do the motions fully without the emotional investment. But I’m not a pro, so I’m not sure how much value my opinion holds.

Anyways, it was, what, fifteen or so years of tolerating dance class on Saturday mornings. I think when I was eleven or so, I really started to build a distaste for it, I would dread the moment my dad would walk into my room on Saturday morning and say, “It’s time for dance class, get ready” and I would have to pull on tights…. I despised tights, the way they cling to your legs and feel all restricting. And it was real awkward, wearing tights and a leotard, throughout those middle school years, cause I felt weird about being in really tight clothes. For a couple of years I wore one of those little half jacket things that ties in the front? I don’t even know what to call them, they’re not really an actual clothing item. But I wore them.

(I’m not even sure why I included that. It’s kind of uncomfortable to remember, and more uncomfortable to write about, but it’s honest and I want to be honest. And unafraid. So there’s that.)

I feel like I’m getting nowhere, okay, let me just put this down: at the end of the day, I didn’t like dance.

Until one experience. I know I haven’t talked about this on the blog that much, and it’s because it happened during the void in which I didn’t write on here at all, and that’s because it’s just too much to say. There’s absolutely no way I can just sit down and write EVERYTHING about it. So I think I’m going to just let it come out, with all these stories I tell and all these reflections I have, because it is still very finely and tightly integrated into my life. This said experience was my time in the show ‘The King and I’ at the professional theatre in my city. (Basically, all you need to know is that it’s a really big deal. Lots of people don’t understand what I mean when I talk about it, because they can’t wrap their minds around the fact that I was actually in a professional, Broadway-grade show, and that’s definitely understandable, because I don’t really understand how it happened, either, and I can’t believe it. Still.)

But, yeah. Some of our cast members were from NYC, and… just watching them dance. Watching their rehearsal work ethic, how they would have been dancing for a couple of hours, but they’d repeat things and make changes and never once complained or sat down or took anything less than professionally.

I actually got to understudy our dance captain. She’s doing the show on Broadway now (with most of the NYC members of our cast) but she was dance captain here, which meant she was also swing (she understudies any role, so if any dancer had to step out for a show, she would step in for them and I would step in for her). That was a complete honor, and I’m so glad that I was asked to do that. I never had to actually go on (which was good because I only had one put-in rehearsal where I did the track, and it was so confusing but everyone was being so supportive and helped me through it).

And I didn’t realize it at the time, but watching the NYC dancers really struck something in me. When I went to dance class, I started to work harder. I would do everything the best I could… I’d stretch my splits harder, reach a little further, jump a tad higher…

And it ended up paying off. I began to dance – really dance. It’s different when you put 100% effort into it. You start to get better. Good.

But that happened halfway through my senior year. And I’d almost regret not trying harder earlier on, but, the thing is, I know that I couldn’t have tried harder. It wasn’t in me, and I didn’t know what it meant. There wouldn’t have been a way I could have wholeheartedly given dance my all.

So, waiting here at the dance studio, I watched a little girl run out of her dance class, run to her mom and exclaim, “That was fun, mom! Even at the end!” and her mom led her down the hall as the girl continued to chatter enthusiastically.

That girl wants to dance. And, if she stays with it, if she WANTS to be there the whole time, she’ll be good. When she’s my age, she could be really good.

There’s so much potential in these young dancers.

They still have their futures ahead of them. They can still work so that, when they are young adults, they are fluent in dance and have years of good skill under their feet.

I know I’ve danced for my whole life, but I don’t feel like it. Maybe that’s just because I didn’t ever take up my mom’s offers to put me in ballet, tap, or jazz class. Maybe it’s just that I didn’t try. And I picked it up again, I’m learning those particular styles of dance, because I need to know them, if I want to do musical theatre. I need to be good at them, I intend to be good at them. It’s just that it’ll be harder for me, compared to someone who has really always loved dance.

But that just goes to say that you can’t force art. No matter how long you do it, if your soul isn’t there, it’s coming from the wrong place.

Step One

Right now, the title of my blog is 'The Years Before'. I chose that because it's a description of how I think of this time period of my life that I am currently in: the years before I build all the skills I need and I'm GOOD.
So a couple of things.
During orientation for college, the dean spoke to us, and he said, "You have four years to become the best of the best."
And that stuck with me.
It's set in me a 'game on' attitude. Because these four years at school, these are when people learn things, hopefully set a food in the industry... but, if you think beyond that, if your goals are a bit bigger, then you CAN be better. If you take the steps that other people are saving for later... YOU CAN BE BETTER.
And that's what I'm shooting to do. I'm trying to do everything I can, and it might wear myself out, but I think I have this passion that not everyone has. For as long as I know what I want while other people still aren't sure, I'm going to run with this. And I'm going to do my best so that I can be among the best.

Also, the musical 'Kinky Boots' came to town earlier this semester, and I got really emotionally attached to it, partially because one of my favorite Broadway actors stars in it, partly because - through a mix of seeing the show twice, stage dooring, and sneaking into a put-in rehearsal - I formed small (but existent) bonds with some of the actors, whether that happened because I got them cookies, had a mutual friend, or just talked to them at the stage door when no one else was talking to them... it was like I was so close, though I knew I was so far. Because they were just there for a week. They belonged to our city for one week, and, even then, they didn't really belong to us.
So because that experience meant a lot to me, that musical means more to me than the average show. There's this song from it - probably my favorite - called 'Step One' and it goes, "We may be facing the impossible, we may be chasing after miracles ... but this is step one."
And that's right.
This is Step One.

Before you get anywhere, you need to pound the pavement. Before you get anything, you need to make those steps towards what you want.

So this is Step One.
And that's what I'll be renaming my blog, at least for now.

Eighteen Hours?

Okay, so, for reasons, I have to take eighteen hours next semester.

I'm taking twelve right now.

I don't um. I'm not really sure how this is gonna go.

But it's going to be happening.

I told my friend (who goes to a different state school that's not at all at the high academic level that my school is at... like at ALL) I have to take eighteen, and said friend was all, "Same, I'M taking 17."

Mmmmmm not same.

I promise you that classes at my school are waaaaaaaay more difficult. So not same.

Stop Astronomy Now

I can't stop thinking about this, it's stressing me out so much.
I calculated everything, and if I did that one homework that one time, I would only need to get a 62/80 on the next exam to get an A. But because I didn't do it, I now need to get a 74/80 on the exam.
I just don't understand why one missed homework assignment equals 12 entire points on a test.

Astronomy Update

You guys. You guys you guys you guys you guys you guys.
My astronomy grade.
Right now.
Is like an 88.
That.
That means that.
That means that if I HAD DONE THAT HOMEWORK A LONG TIME AGO I WOULD HAVE AN A RIGHT NOW.

Do your homework, kids.

As long as I get a 74/80 or higher on my final, I'll get an A (assuming that I get all five points on this observation project, which I think I should get all five points on?)

"Randomly Random"

So I just noticed that, at the bottom of my posts, it says something along the lines of "Posted by the randomly random Mia"...
Okay, that's gotta have been something I did in middle school. "Randomly random" come on Mia can't you think of something more descriptive that is the ABSOLUTE FURTHEST FROM RANDOM.
But I can't figure out how to change that.
I think that one time, I just went through all the blog features and got into all the details and changed around little things like that, and now I can't find out how to change it, and it makes me cringe every time I see it.
(Send help pls send help.)

Astronomy (Reprise)...

So I just went and played around with the grading system and found that that one time I missed that one homework assignment is going to cost me 2% of the entire final grade. How is that even right...? I think homework is worth 20% of the final grade... So if, because of that assignment, I lost 10 points on homework... I guess that would translate to and entire two points off my final grade? How is that right, though........??
I'm still not entirely acquainted with how grading and GPA works in college, because I'm just in my first semester, but if things go by letter grades... this BETTER not make me miss a letter grade. I BETTER not miss an A by two points. I BETTER NOT. THAT IS ALL.
(Okay, just I just checked the syllabus and it's divided into A and A- and B+, etc. and if I get a 93, that's an A (90-92.9 is A-) AND WAIT I WANT THAT A. Astronomy is kind of difficult, so I'm not there yet... but... I've got a couple of projects ready to turn in and I hope I did well on them? Also I did this four page extra credit paper that will add 10 points to my next test so I hope I get that A???

Astronomy...

Way early in the semester, I missed this one astronomy homework assignment... so I have a zero for it and it really is disappointing to look at. But if I had completed that, my homework average grade would be around a 97%... and, with that, it's 87%. I wish I could go back in time and do it... I have no idea how I missed it, I just didn't remember to do it, cause it's online. It was the third homework assignment (out of about ten or eleven) and it's incredibly frustrating.... so, yeah. There's that. I can't believe I missed it and it's costing me THAT much.

Bucket List (But Not Mine)

I came back to my room this morning to see a small poster on my roommate's bed. She's got this group of friends (they call each other "fam") and they had created a "Fam Bucket List" of things they want to do in the next four years. It's got all sorts of cute things like skydiving, sneaking into a concert, watch the New Year's ball drop in Times Square, and, at the bottom, really big, it says "GRADUATE."

That's cute. It really is.

And, for the first time, I kind of felt a twang of regret that I don't have friends here close enough to make a bucket list with.

Then again. I'm not looking for friends, honestly. I haven't been actively seeking friends, because I've realized that the best friends are the ones who come naturally. They come to you and you stay together, because you were meant to be together.

I don't try to force friendships. And that's why I'm okay with having like seven friends here at college... I know that freshman year, I'm probably not gonna find life-long friends (though it could happen... though it's not happening, so I'm not worrying about it), and instead of making advances toward finding a friend group, it'll pay off more in the long run if I make advances towards doing things that will actually help my career.

I guess I'm future-oriented? I don't even know if I'm doing this right.

But basically, what I'm wanting to say is that I have like no friends here, and I'm okay with that.

Hair Ties

When I was younger, my mom would tie my hair with those little ties that had balls at the ends, you know, where you would wrap the elastic around the ponytail and fasten them by stretching one ball over the other. I don't know what those were called, but the internet today seems to call them "ball hair ties" so that's what they'll be called.
I had all kinds of them, and the vast majority of them were from Asia. They had little Asian cartoon characters on them, or they would sometimes be flowers, or sometimes just a clump of fancy looking puffballs and shiny beads. Either way, they were always made of bright colors, and they were hard to miss.
Those are what I tied my hair with. And I never thought anything of it until sixth grade, when one morning at Sunday school, we went around the room saying what we appreciate about each other. When it got to me, a girl gushed, "I love how you always have cute little things in your hair!" and everyone agreed how I always had my hair tied with "cute little hair ties."
"Cute little hair ties."
That's not what I thought they were. They were just the norm for me.
And that's when I realized that they were different. These little Asian hair ties that my mom got for me? They weren't the stretchy brown circular hair bands that held up everyone else's ponytails.
I thought about it a lot that day. That's the last time I ever wore them. I got home, pulled them out of my hair, and replaced them with the regular circle kind.

And I haven't really thought about that until now.
Because it didn't seem like a big deal to me back then. It was just an accepting, submissive "this is different about me, I don't want this difference, and it's easy to change, so I'll change it."
I've always thought of myself as fairly indifferent to judgments and expectations. I remember at my birthday sleepovers in middle school, when all of my friends brought their hair straighteners and curlers, I always refused to let them touch my hair with an iron. I liked my hair. I didn't want to change it. I overheard my dad consult my mom with possible concern, "She's not doing her hair like all the rest of her friends." My mom shrugged and said, "She has confidence." And that was the end of that.
So I wonder what is was back then that made me switch those ball hair ties for the normal bands. What was it that made me quietly reject what had been part of my everyday life? And, in a way, they were reflective of my heritage. Ball hair ties were sold in US stores, but the ones my mom got me were made in Asia, and you could tell. Thinking back on it, I'm feeling some nostalgia and a little bit of regret. How did I let the comments - they were even compliments - of my classmates so easily persuade me to change what had more or less been a part of me?

It didn't mean much back then.
So what am I throwing away now? I am making many changes in my life. I do all of these in hopes of bettering myself and my future, but which ones of these changes may I someday regret?

Current Favorites

I feel like I should give a little run-down of my current favorite things... just kind of as an introduction, but also as a landmark, because these will definitely change in the future.
Favorite musicals: Newsies (kinda have to have that one on my list, cause it's what inspired me to start musical theatre), Hamilton (of course..... only of COURSE though), Next to Normal, Rent, Kinky Boots (ever since they came to my city a couple of weeks back and I spent so much time sitting across the lot, staring at the trailer...), Finding Neverland (got to see that one on Broadway after convincing my parents that it was the show to see)... I would probably like Fun Home and Les Miserables if I saw them...
Favorite Broadway actors: Lin-Manuel Miranda (of course... only of COURSE though), Andy Mientus, Andrew Keenan-Bolger, Santino Fontana, Tommy Bracco, Adam Kaplan (bless that man), Corey Cott, Jeremy Jordan... of course, Christopher Gattelli, though he's a choreographer (bless that man even MORE)....
Those are the only things I like. Musicals and Broadway actors.
I'm gonna go over the list of who I currently follow on Twitter. It's a very select number cause I only follow those I'm interested in, so I don't have to wade through lots of irrelevant tweets. Or at least, irrelevant tweets from irrelevant people. (Irrelevant tweets from relevant people are okay.) And I know that just sounded really judgmental and unfair, but chill. It's Twitter. It's just that I'd rather my timeline be nice and condensed.
Anyway, here goes, starting from the person I've been following for the longest:
Taylor Groothuis (she's a kid actor, we used to be internet friends, don't really talk anymore, but I don't have it in me to unfollow her for as long as she follows me), Rowan Blanchard (followed her BEFORE SHE GOT COOL AND ON 'GIRL MEETS WORLD' and turned into an intelligent, poised activist), Nicole (best friend, have to follow), Ariana (again, friend, have to follow, she kinda made me do it hahaha), Corey Cott (played the lead role in Newsies when I saw it on Broadway, also Corey is such an inspiration, he's a strong Christian on the Broadway scene and isn't afraid to show and share it at all... if I make it to Broadway someday, I want to be like Corey), David Guzman (while I was watching Newsies, I liked him the best out of the ensemble), Jeremy Jordan (he's just everything), the theatre that I did 'The King and I' at (because that's necessary), this guy I did K&I with (also necessary, for as long as he follows me too), Christopher Gattelli (because he's my Broadway inspiration and yaaaaaas he's everything, even more everything than Jeremy), Greg Zane (worked with him on K&I), Emilio (he's actually on Broadway K&I now, but I worked with him in the one I did, and he was my favorite castmate, wow, he influenced me so much), Jon (he's also in Broadway's K&I, we're internet friends, I got to hang out with him for a second in his dressing room when I went to visit them, but he's my age and he's like currently the only person on Broadway who's our age), Alejandro (ugh wow beautiful), Adam Kaplan (saw him as Davey in Newsies when he understudied the role, also met him when he came with Kinky Boots, which I saw like three times.. but I gave him cookies and he flipped out... and we also have matching t-shirts), Ryan Steele (Newsies, dancer, beautiful as well), Tommy Bracco (Tommy Bracco for Prom Queen... that is all), Amaya (from Broadway's K&I), this filmmaking dude in my city who I met who's important who I should follow (because keeping connections), Michael Fatica (Newsies), Aaron Albano (Newsies, also Broadway K&I, I met him there when I visited), Tyce Green (Broadway but not Broadway guy? We're internet acquaintances, also my friend grew up with him), NPH (of course), Lin-Manuel Miranda (of course... only of COURSE though), Santino Fontana (saw him first in 'Submissions Only' - which, by the way, I am on my third time of watching, it's so great), Stephan Bienske (also saw in Subs Only but he's engaged to Chris Gattelli, so that's important and cool), Andrew Keenan-Bolger (made Subs Only also makes like everything all hipster and cool about Broadway, he's the total trendsetter), Colin Hanlon (Subs Only, but he's great), Telsey + Company (I want to work for them, they're the biggest casting company on the Broadway scene), Andy Mientus (ugh he's perfect, that's all), Sean Grandillo (also basically perfect), Chris McCarrell (also basically perfect), J Harrison Ghee (was Lola when I saw Kinky Boots tour, got to talk to him a couple of times and ugh he's so sweet and humble), Juan (from Kinky Boots, he knows Emilio too because they were both on the West Side Story national tour), Michael (Kinky Boots dance captain, he looked so cool) AND THAT'S IT. THAT WAS SO UNNECESSARY. AND TIRING. But I had to stick it through.
Sorry about that.
Good night.

Changes....

All right, y'all... I changed the layout of the blog... and like... everything about it. I really liked how it looked before, and I shoulda taken a screenshot of it before I changed it, but I made the changes before I realized I was doing it.
I changed the name, too... 'Annasophie Awesomeness' is definitely not descriptive of, like anything. Partway through these changes, I wondered if I should have just made a new blog and left this one as is... but nah. The words are still there, and that's what took years to build up. And this is me. So that's how it'll stay.
Also, somewhere along the way, Blogger must have made some deals with Google cause now the Google profile seems to be the Blogger profile and it doesn't say my name is 'Annasophie' anymore so... I guess I'm really gonna just be Mia on my blog now.
But, yeah. These changes, they happened.

Wrapping Up the Explanation

So here comes where I explain why I'm doing this. Or, I mean, now I'm able to give a more comprehensive explanation, because I've gone over a few things.
Next semester will be so busy. I'm taking, like, fifteen hours at school (only twelve right now) and one of them is REALLY crucial and I need a B in that class for it to count, and it kind of has to count, because it's a prerequisite for like everything and I'm taking my math class. It's Statistics, and I took AP Stat in high school, so I should be good? But still it'll require so much effort, and I need to be able to get myself to do that.
Again, I spend way too much time talking to people, and I actually do type this much when I'm talking to them, so I know I'm literally typing essays here, but honestly when I'm typing to someone, it's essays upon essays upon essays. Because there are responses. And I can't predict how long a conversation will go for. So I'm going to cut down on time with this.
And I need to get time cut down because I have to choose what I need to focus on. Of course, school has to be a first priority... I guess it is, in my mind, but in my heart, school is like "nope" and I just want to do all the arts instead. See, this semester, I've spent lots of time reading plays, working on writing plays, practicing dance in my dorm room... but I can't do all that random extra stuff. I mean I guess I'll probably continue practicing dance stuff and stretching in my dorm, but just less because I'll be taking lessons and ACTUALLY dancing.
So, of course, school. Gotta do that.
Then dance. Will have to do that.
And I think that's it, that's all I'll be able to get myself to do and do WELL.
I might even schedule, like, and hour by hour agenda for myself, and I might not follow it, but at least, if I don't follow it, I'll feel bad about not following it, which will hopefully guilt trip me INTO following it.
I'll give that a shot. But I'm not going to have time for social (I should probably do another post about that) but that's not a problem and it's not really a priority. I'll probably drop out of a couple of organizations I'm in, just for next semester, at least. Which reminds me... that if I do dance classes, I won't be able to do any student plays... which I might get to later in another post... but... oh. That's okay, cause win LOTS, lose some, hopefully. There's one organization I was totally planning on going to, but I've only been to one meeting, so, oops. Then there's one that I've been going to, but it hasn't been helpful, and I have a class next semester that starts right when this organization ends. One of the only reasons why I'm in this org is because it increases my chances of getting a job at the company it's linked with (not like big job, just little stuff but it's still something I'd like to do).
So I'll just not do those organizations... I'll do school and dance and mannn I gotta figure out when I'm going to go to Bible studies and stuff... cause I need a Christian community, just... I have a class during the time they meet as a college group. But there's a Bible study on Sunday evenings with the college girls, and I guess I'll go to that. And church in the morning, of course. I need to be able to figure this out. Cause this should be the number one priority, but it just.. isn't, really, ya know? And it needs to be.

Anyways. Yeah, I think that's it. Basically, I just gotta cut down on the things that aren't my top three. And I'm making lifestyle adaptations accordingly (like this). So let's see how this goes.